WWE Monday Night Raw: August 19th, 2019 “Cowboy” Round-Up

It’s been a while since I’ve written a major analysis article. What can I say, the big 4 PPV weekends take a lot out of good ol’ “Cowboy” Bob. On our podcast, The Protected Finish, I mentioned once that wrestling is like pizza. It can only be so bad. My podcast partner, Heartbreak Biz, commented “And there’s only so much you can take.” So true.

After 3+ hours of NXT Takeover, almost 4 hours of Summerslam, 3 hours of Raw and 2 hours of Smackdown Live, “Cowboy” had to take a break from oiled up musclemen fake-fighting in their underwear.

Tonight, we start the King of the Ring tournament, which is fine with me. Just give me a reason to watch a match. Give me any stakes at all.

• We start off with Roman, since the brand split means nothing. I figured this would be resolved on Smackdown?
• Corey Graves is “on vacation”. Hopefully not the Forrest Gump style of “on vacation”.
• It should be noted that if you combine Roman’s acting in interrogating Buddy Murphy, with Daniel Bryan’s acting in ominously telling Roman he’ll bring him the culprit, that this is the best acted angle in WWE history since the Festival of Friendship. It’s like the DiCaprio/Damon in The Departed equivalent for WWE acting.
• Oh, no resolution to the murderer angle, it’s just to see Ziggler get squashed. Let’s hope he continues the delusional “is that all you’ve got?” routine.
• That “YOU SUCK” chant at Ziggler is the biggest reaction he’s received in literally 2 years. The Miz retirement angle. Good for him.
• Ziggler distracts with the whining to hit a superkick! I love it!
• Very nice of Reigns to continue to sell that superkick even while preparing to kick the living shit out of Ziggler.
• It’s so cool watching Roman finally get the babyface reaction after 5 years. It makes me happy WWE didn’t give up on him. They treated Roman like the Patriots. Haters are going to hate, but somebody needs to be the unquestioned best, whether you fucking like it or not.
• And I am a Buffalo Bills fan, so I do not fucking like it.
• That zig-zag got WAY too close of a near-fall. This match is fun, but I actually don’t like that Ziggler is doing this well. His new gimmick doesn’t need it, and every second he stays alive cheapens Buddy Murphy’s showing from last week.
• I find it kind of funny that the leg-over-the-head-drop is still called the “Fame-Asser”. Like what the fuck did Billy Gunn do to get that move immortalized to him?
• As much as I stand by that the wrestling is very good since Heyman took over, I feel for Buddy Murphy as his accomplishment is nearly forgotten with this match.
• Tonight, Cesaro vs Samoa Joe! JOBBERS COLLIDE!
• Cedric Alexander is also here to obliterate Sami Zayn, who I literally cannot remember winning a match on the main roster.
• So, let’s recap this Sasha Banks return: Comes back in a surprise, to fans frothing at the mouth for her return. Beats the shit out of Nattie, who nobody gives a fuck about. Has cool new hair. And beats up smug, heel-ish Becky. Why am I booing Sasha again?
• Okay fine, Becky mentioning Sasha’s “dollar store glasses” made me chuckle. I can admit when my enemy has a point.
• Will WWE bring up that Becky was an upstart in NXT that had no direction, and a match taking Sasha to her limit put her on the map in the company? Of course not. That would be continuity.
• When history looks back on WWE in 2019, the decision by Vince McMahon to force Jerry Lawler to wear a shirt during his “King’s Court” segments will be right up there with “Push Stone Cold & The Rock” as his best decisions.
• The way they keep pushing, two weeks in a row, the “legends” who have won King of the Ring makes me think we are in for a huge troll with Baron Corbin taking it. And I am all for it.
• Let’s do a quick “Cowboy” prediction. I promise I won’t change my picks. Cesaro vs Glass Joe? Glass Joe.
• Ricochet vs McIntyre? Ricochet.
• Alexander vs Zayn? Alexander.
• Miz vs Corbin? Corbin.
• Owens vs Elias? Owens.
• Ali vs Murphy? Murphy.
• Gable vs Benjamin? Gable.
• Apollo vs Andrade? Andrade.
• Round 2:
• Glass Joe vs Ricochet? Ricochet.
• Alexander vs Corbin? Corbin.
• Owens vs Murphy? Owens.
• Gable vs Andrade? Andrade.
• Round 3:
• Ricochet vs Corbin? Corbin.
• Owens vs Andrade? Owens.
• Finals: Corbin vs Owens? Corbin thanks to Shane-O-Mac interference.
• And now Corbin has a glorious new “accolade” for his intro and the world rejoices. Let’s see how close I get.
• Lawler predicts Alexander vs Ricochet. Thus ruining their chances.
• OHHHHH SHIT IT’S BRAY COMING.
• Lawler says “I’ve seen this before!” and goes to leave. LOGIC!!!!!
• The way The Fiend pops up behind him. So good.
• Ummm, is WWE good now?
• “YOWIE WOWIE” chants as the referees tend to a seriously injured old man.
• Baron Corbin now wrestling in a black tanktop undershirt, slowly transitioning from the TGI Fridays look.
• Meaningless tag match. Don’t care.
• United States Championship match: AJ Styles, forever over, vs Braun Strowman, who peaked 2 years ago.
• They should’ve went all out and just gave Braun the top belt in 2017. They are always so scared to give a new person the top title. They also refused to capitalize on “Rusev Day” around the same time period as well, despite it being insanely over. They wouldn’t even give poor Rusev a mid-card title with that routine and the crowd eating out of the palm of his hand.
• Seth and his backwards hat saves Braun. Interesting whether this sets up Braun vs AJ or Braun vs Seth. Unfortunately, it’s probably setting up a shitty 6-man tag in the meantime.
• Okay, looks like Seth/Braun vs Gallows/Anderson for the tag titles. Not meaningless! I’ll take it.
• Here comes Jobber Bowl I, Glass Joe vs Cesaro.
• Joe dispatches Cesaro, as predicted above by “Cowboy” Bob. And, much like the namesake of “Cowboy’s” blog, Samoa Joe is a true Jobber To The Stars. Beats the weakling jobbers, loses to anybody decent.
• Elias amazingly survives an R-Truth stagehand disguise, and kicks out of the deadly surprise roll-up to make him one of the most strongly booked characters on the roster.
• Up next, we pretend to give a shit what is next with Rey Mysterio.
• Rey, in an excruciatingly badly acted segment, takes A MILLION YEARS to say he’ll retire. Then his fake son steps in. Apparently they are going to start a shitty tag team.
• By the way, the fake son makes Mysterio come off as Daniel Day Lewis.
• When will they learn that backstage segments are pure death for the crowd?
• Commentary brings up that Revival destroyed New Day’s ice cream truck back in the day, which is essentially the best long-term booking you’re going to get out of WWE.
• The day I do not at least subconsciously pop for an RKO out of nowhere is the day I hang up my Hulk Hogan, Macho Man, Ultimate Warrior and Andre The Giant riding a 4-way bicycle shirt as a fan.
• Revival assist for a super RKO! I love it!
• Of course, the super-cool assisted RKO is the tail that leads to the shitty 6-man tag. But still.
• I like The Revival becaue they are great wrestlers and make me feel like I am in excellent shape.
• Randy forcing Kofi to watch the destruction of his New Day brother is classic heel shit that would make 2009 Randy Orton proud.
• Xavier’s selling like death is a work of art as well.
• Ah, the Randy pose. It’s been too long.
• Sasha interview – her initial pretty smile and tone screams babyface?
• Okay, this is all going to be fake. Or else the acting is worse than fucking Dominick Mysterio.
• Nikki Cross, the unruly goth leprechaun who needs adult supervision is here with The Goddess. This is quietly one of the better booked stories in progress in WWE. Alexa is still not comfortably situated as either face or heel.
• WWE Photo Shoot is one of the best shows on the network. The network used to stumble with these. You would have “Top 10 lists” with wrestlers telling stories in kayfabe. We don’t want that. We get enough kayfabe and we know the show is fake. Give us the real people out of character telling real stories. That’s what we are here for. The kids who need it to be real won’t watch anyway.
• Sonya Deville (who I love by the way) has a rainbow flag towel JUST IN CASE YOU FORGOT SHE’S GAY!!!!!
• The real irony is, if she wanted true equality, she would just be gay, with no mention whatsoever. But whatevs.
• Cedric Alexander beats Sami “The Ultra Jobber” Zayn but more importantly, it moves “Cowboy” to 2-0 in his King of the Ring predictions.
• Street Profits vs The Dark Order/Junglesaurus already gives WWE the edge in the impending NXT vs AEW war.
• As Nattie “pours her heart out” to the fans, she gets WHAT chants for her troubles, then the crowd cheers Sasha beating her up. And there are applause in there for the line “Go to hell, Nattie, and tell your dad I said hi.” Horrible heel. I blame the writers. Just make Sasha a babyface that talks trash and has an edge. This isn’t hard. Avoid the smug shitbag route that Becky took and you are golden.
• Cole screeches “Strowman and Rollins, on the SAME TEAM?!?!?!” as if one is from Israel and the other is from Palestine. They are two babyfaces teaming up, who gives a shit, Cole?
• “Cowboy” Bob wants a kayfabe where established tag teams are so much better than two random main eventers thrown together. They should establish that true teamwork and experience make for a major advantage.
• Braun and Seth win the tag titles, as nobody listens to poor “Cowboy”. But I am still right. Makes tag teams look unbelievably weak.

Not bad. Wrestling is greatly improving. The show is definitely watchable, bordering on good. Who would’ve thunk it 2 months ago?