WWE Summerslam 2019 “Cowboy” Bob Round-Up

Scattered Pre-Show Notes

• After yesterday’s glorious NXT Takeover, this show has a hard climb ahead of it. However, it can benefit from the luxury of low expectations. As “Cowboy” Bob has made no bones about, he is NOT hyped for this Summerslam at all. Literally not one of the main programs interests him. Maybe the Roman mystery angle, but not much more.
• As the bullshit fake “analysts” talk about Super-Kofi, shitbag Sam Roberts sells that dumb storyline that Randy “held down” Kofi. I love how we are supposed to believe that a guy who can’t talk on the mic and is just decent in the ring was “held down” for 11 years because Randy Orton said so.
• Luckily, JBL calls this out. I love it, Maggle!
• While I have my issues with Renee Young on commentary, man she is the fucking 1993 Michael Jordan of backstage interviewers compared with Snookie and the vanilla blonde that nobody knows.
• Beth Phoenix looks like she spent the past 3 weeks drinking until 4 am.
• I give Mick Foley a ton of shit, but his super-serious description of the “Mandible Claw” as a “debilitating nerve press” is wonderful.
• The IIconics get a title shot tonight!!! GIVE THEM THEIR RIGHTFUL BELTS BACK.
• Kevin Owens, the guy whose character literally has turned on every single alliance he ever had in his entire tenure in WWE, says Shane McMahon has “no integrity”. Awful character development.
• And you all know that I have been advocating for babyface Owens forever. But at least give the dude a moment where he admits he was wrong in the past and changed his ways, blah blah. Let’s not just throw out ridiculous statements like that which would make any fan who even casually watches the product roll their eyes.
• OMG THE O.C. IS TEASING TEAMING UP WITH FINN IN HIS LITTLE BLUE UNDIES.
• They really need to do this. The whole “who is the REAL leader of this faction?” angle is always a winner. Although it might come off as “Who gets custody of our two large bald children?” But whatever.

Drew Gulak (c) vs Oney Lorcan

• I have no fucking idea who Oney Lorcan is.
• Brutal bending armdrag. I am such a pussy with those “joint manipulation” spots.
• I can’t believe they keep playing that Seth HORRIBLY ACTED “This is all I’ve got. I’ll be at Summerslam. And I’ll beat Brock Lesnar.” The famous Roman Reigns “Y’all a sniveling little sellout full of a sufferin’ succotash, SON!” is less cringe.
• Lorcan apparently has “Unbridled Rage”. He’s a balding little guy in his yellow undies. Not exactly The Beast from Split.
• Gulak’s submission hold is apparently “The Gu-Lock”, which is genius.
• AWESOME near-fall as Lorcan reverses the Gu-Lock.
• Gulak wins. Neither of these guys do it for me. Match was a match.

2.00 Bobs

• Coach brings up that we are in the same arena where The Rock took on Hulk Hogan. Notice he doesn’t say “The same arena where Triple H took on Chris Jericho”, which some complete tard booked as the main event that night.
• Jerry Lawler looks incredible for 79.

Apollo Crews vs Buddy Murphy

• A low-key fascinating match. It’s essentially a jobber eliminator match. The winner has a future, the loser is a jobbing jobber.
• Whoa! Quick start with a high knee and I almost think it’s the burial of Apollo’s career. 2 count.
• When Apollo first debuted, I instantly texted my podcast partner from The Protected Finish, Heartbreak Biz, and said “Future World Champion.” Turns out personality is required.
• Crews does the “I’m going to gorilla press slam him” hand motion, shades of The Ultimate Warrior.
• This match is not bad. I think it’s more interesting to me because I literally have no idea who will win. Both are putting on a fun little performance.
• Oh shit, it’s Rowan here to take out the snitch!
• Match was just building to something good. But shows that WWE wants to semi-protect both guys and agreed with my Jobber-Eliminator position!

2.5 Bobs

• Here comes Elias. He’s about to do a song bashing Toronto. Have you ever heard the phrase “N-word rich”? I don’t condone the phrase and I don’t want to use the word. But it essentially means “You have enough money to buy an expensive Ferrari but you don’t have enough money to put fuel in the gas tank.” That is Elias’ brand of heel. He makes jokes that will get major heat IN THIS LOCATION and AT THIS MOMENT, but as I watch at home, I am laughing my ass off. To the CROWD, he is a heel. To the audience at home, he’s a major babyface. He is a terrible, terrible heel.
• Elias interrupted by Edge to a MONSTER pop.
• Who doesn’t fucking love Edge? Tell me who. I will fight them in an octagon.
• HOLY FUCK HE DID A SPEAR. I kind of wish he had appeared unexpectedly behind Elias doing his orgasmic “C’MON PLEASE TURN AROUND” from the corner routine, but the pop for his music was worth it.
• Good for him.

Alexa Bliss & Nikki Cross (c) vs The IIconics

• “The future is…IIIIIIII-conic!” is super over.
• Billie Kaye comes out dressed as Maleficent, which is weird because that’s essentially Charlotte’s current gear.
• Corey’s harping on Alexa wearing Buzz Lightyear gear is a rare misstep for him in comedy.
• Weird to see perrennial heel Alexa Bliss get a “hot tag”. Crowd not as hot as they can be because she hasn’t been properly established as a babyface.
• Bliss takes out Peyton with the Twisted Bliss. I like Alexa and Nikki, but the IIconics not having the titles is criminal.
• We need Alexa more properly established as learning the error of her ways and being a likable babyface so that her inevitable turn on her special needs friend is worthwhile.

2.00 Bobs

• Booker T’s “shucky ducky” graphic is pure gold and way better than the shitty fake 3-D floating graphics during all the entrances.
• Time for the main card.
• Whoa. Pyro to start! “Cowboy” Bob loves him a good pyro start.

Becky Lynch (c) vs Natalya

Submission Match

• Okay good, let’s get this out of the way. I promise to give it a fair chance, but I really don’t want to see it. Hope this Natalya Toronto pop is worth it!
• Do you think Becky Lynch gets Nia Jax a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts per month in thanks for accidentally being so reckless that she punched her in the face and broke her nose before Survivor Series? I mean, she has to, right?
• By the way, the Network feed for this show is FUCKING TRASH.
• Nattie comes out, shamelessly pandering with the Canadian flag like a cat-lady Hulk Hogan and gets an acceptable pop. This wasn’t worth the shitty build for the past month.
• HAHAHAHA. Loud “BECKY CHANTS” after we rehashed Nattie’s exhumed corpse for a boring feud just for a heel-face dynamic. Awful. Whoever booked this match with this idea should be fired.
• The ropes WILL NOT break the hold. What if you tap out while holding the ropes? Should be a loss, right?
• Both are going for submissions over and over. You know what the problem is? Shitty WWE formula states that the match CAN NOT POSSIBLY END unless Becky has the Disarm-Her or Nattie has the Sharpshooter. So none of these moves have any drama attached.
• Nattie targeting the knee. Shouldn’t the Sharpshooter target the back? Oh who cares.
• Sharpshooter on the top turnbuckle. Credit where it’s due, never seen that before.
• When the women scream in pain from selling submissions, it’s way too sexual.
• My Uber Eats driver is about to make it here 8 minutes early. I’m about to pop for this.
• They trade the “do each other’s finishers” spot which of course has no chance to end the match.
• Nattie locks in the Sharpshooter. More importantly, my Uber Eats is here.
• Becky reverses to the Disarm-Her and Nattie taps out like the jobber she is.
• This was just as uninspiring as I expected it to be.

2.00 Bobs

• Backstage interview with Trish. And man she fucking TOWERS over Snookie the interviewer. Now I see why that talentless hack got that job. To make the women look more imposing.

Goldberg vs Dolph Ziggler

• If this isn’t Goldberg destroying poor Ziggler in 10 seconds to give him a shred of credibility before the next Saudi show vs Ric Flair then it may be one of the greatest upsets of all-time.
• Let’s see if Goldberg can manage not to slam his head into the door like a complete mongoloid before the match.
• Should be said that for his faults, Goldberg is in sensational shape for his age. He looks like his son just got bullied and he is coming out to beat the living shit out of the other kid’s dad.
• Proper pyro for Goldberg. Good ol’ “Cowboy” approves.
• “Cowboy” also wishes UFC would have sensationalized WWE style entrances. Just want to put that out here in case Dana White is a big “Jobber To The Stars” fan.
• HOLY FUCK. Ziggler with the surprise superkick. AND ANOTHER. But Goldberg kicked out of both. Imagine if that got the pin??
• Then Ziggler runs into a spear like a total tard. But MAN does he sell that spear like a master of his craft.
• Jackhammer and Ziggler gets sent to Caroline’s for some groan-inducing comedy.

Jobber Squash

• OH SHIT. Ziggler calls Goldberg a dipshit! I WANT MORE CURSING IN WRESTLING.
• Ziggler taunts Goldberg and he is coming back to the ring. I hope Undertaker comes out for the internet to melt over the prospect of Super Showdown II.
• Another spear, just in case you forgot what a jobbing geek Ziggler is.
• “I don’t get it.” says Cole. Yeah.
• Oh man Ziggler wants the mic again.
• “Anybody can get lucky twice, idiot.” Okay, I’m laughing. I admit it.
• This whole “I’m the best thing going” delusional Ziggler is kinda hilarious. Fine. I’m being worked. This is a great new character for Ziggler. Embrace the losing.
• Goldberg fakes like he respects Ziggler, and then spears him again in a hilarious moment. I hope Ziggler calls him back a 4th time!!!
• Corey: “I know Goldberg doesn’t get paid by the hour. Maybe Ziggler does? I don’t know.” Hysterical.
• That match was cookie cutter and expected, but EASILY the best segment of the entire night, pre-show included, so far.
• The next mystery angle after “Who Tried To Kill Roman?” should be “Who The Fuck Did That To Xavier Woods’ Hair?”

• They promise Kofi that “Drake” is here, but it’s Drake Maverick. I’m sure the young-ins find this funny.
• Cole describes Styles vs Ricochet as the match “many feel can steal the show”, which places expectations on it.

AJ Styles (c) vs Ricochet

• The crowd does the “ONE and ONLY” along with Ricochet’s music, which is a great sign for his overness.
• The idea of Carmella and R-Truth posing as fake announcers is hilarious. R-Truth is “D-Wayne Gretzky”. Both looked like they randomly chose costumes at Party City.
• See now Drake should’ve walked around with his ref and got FOOLED by those ridiculous disguises. Now THAT would’ve been comedy.
• “GET A SHIRT ON THAT TINY RICOCHET, DAMMIT!!!” — Vince pre-show, probably
• So we have the “ground the high flyer by taking out his leg” story here.
• Ricochet doing a modified “one-leg” version of his high-flying offense is really cool.
• On the “Cowboy Bob” Scale, Ricochet currently gets a 9 for in-ring, a 5 for look. I’ll be nice and go 6 for the new get-up. And a 3 on the mic. You need a 23 to be a world champion, by “Cowboy” Bob decree. He is at 18. I do appreciate the mixing it up of the attire to try and drive him up the Bob scale. I’m rooting for him.
• BRUTAL ushi-goroshi or whatever the fuck it’s called as it looked like Ricochet legit landed on the back of his neck.
• Love the torque on that calf crusher! AJ with an edge is best AJ.
• Awesome set of suplexes by Ricochet. I am sick and tired of using my bored with a cup of coffee bitmoji. Get me to a smiling Bob bitmoji!
• AJ catches Ricochet’s crazy flip, turns into a Styles Clash, and beats Ricochet fairly CLEAN as clean can be. Amazing fucking finish. Slightly surprising result.

3.25 Bobs

• Styles orders Ricochet to be Magic-Killer’d for the gall of standing up after losing. Which gets AJ Styles booed. And that is not easy to do. Bravo.
• I’m hoping the story that will be told is when Finn loses like the chump he is in a little bit, AJ can point out how the O.C. helped him win, and Finn could’ve used his help.
• Street Profits are interrupted by Ric Flair’s mummified body. He can still woo.

Bayley (c) vs Ember Moon

• Bayley and Ember don’t even get a hype package.
• “Cowboy” Bob is a huge Ember mark. “Cowboy” also thinks Bayley is boring and a complete loser.
• Bayley gets MILD BOOS while Ember gets CHEERED in more proof that good ol’ “Cowboy” has his finger on the pulse of The People.
• How does Bayley not come off like a mentally challenged woman who escaped a home?
• Crowd is bored. They are doing the “TEN!” for every count on the count-out. “TEN!” For a fucking jobber in WWE that barely made it on TV and now is about to be a jobber in AEW. Unreal.
• These two are great wrestlers. But this just isn’t really getting off the ground. It’s not terrible or anything.
• Corey calls Ember’s cool knee strike a “Codebreaker-type maneuever”, which I’m sure is getting him fucking railed in his earpiece by Vince McMahon right now for giving attention to AEW’s top star.
• Really botchy powerbomb off the top rope that looked scary for a moment.
• Super Bayley-to-Belly from the top gets the pin. No crowd reaction. BECAUSE BAYLEY FUCKING SUCKS.

2.25 Bobs

• So far we have no title changes, which frightens me that Bad Acting Vanilla Seth is taking the belt from Brock tonight. Sigh.

Shane McMahon vs Kevin Owens

If Owens Loses, He Quits WWE

• Another lesson in heeldom for The Best In The World, Shane McMahon. After getting Roman Reigns over as the number one babyface in the company, Shane-O-Mac is doing the favor for Owens now, as well.
• Shane “quieting the crowd” for his intro is too funny.
• Massive “KEVIN OWENS” chants and big-time pop for Owens. Yes, he’s in Canada. And yes, he has pandering Canadian gear. But this is going to be wonderful if Shane beats him and reaps in the heat benefits.
• Hilarious. To “ensure fairness” we have a special guest enforcer, Elias.
• Shane immediately rolls out of the ring and Owens talks trash to Elias. “I’m sure Elias is helping him, saying c’mon man you can get counted out.” Hilarious from Corey.
• Shane continously rolling out of the ring hilariously.
• “SHANE YOU SUCK” chants. But it’s MUH X-PAC HEAT, guys.
• Shane goes for the Sharpshooter in a hysterical moment.
• Pop-up powerbomb but Elias “distracts the ref”. Isn’t this on the ref not doing his job?
• Then Owens completely turns his back on Shane like he never saw a pro wrestling match in his entire life.
• I hate these spots. It just makes everyone involved, the babyface included, look so fucking stupid.
• Great spot with Shane slapping Owens to try and tempt him to get disqualified.
• Shane accidentally hits the enforcer!
• Senton and frog splash by Owens, then the “special enforcer” blatantly pulls the ref out of the ring.
• Owens cannonball takes out BOTH refs.
• Does Elias have power to disqualify Owens for attacking him? Shouldn’t he?
• Owens kicks Shane in the balls after he gives the ref the chair back. Great spot.
• Owens beats Shane. I would’ve dragged it out and gotten Shane the epic heat. But it did the job. I just don’t understand why they pulled this trigger now, and I don’t know where you go from here.

3.25 Bobs

• This gets no hype package. Trish gets the pop they wanted for Nattie.
• “Cowboy” Bob is an unabashed Charlotte Flair mark.
• This match can go a few ways. A part of me would love it to be an absolute brutal demolishing of Trish by Charlotte to get epic heat. You can also do “the crafty veteran’s still got it” and the nice respect hug afterwards (followed by a Charlotte cheapshot) if you want.
• Charlotte towers over Trish like Chyna vs The Kat.
• Nice little opening sequence gets “You Still Got It” for Trish. You can thank Charlotte for that one.
• Stratus moving well for someone born during Beatlemania.
• “That easy!” — The Queen. Wonderful.
• Charlotte basically kicking the living shit out of Trish here. Mocking the point. I would love to see a “somebody should stop this match” brutal beating. But we’ll see.
• A Trish counter turns into a great right hand with an EDGE by Charlotte. She really is the best.
• Charlotte slapping the shit out of Trish and kicking her in the corner. Another comeback as Trish is now pissed. Charlotte then kicks her right in the fucking face and Trish sells it like a pro.
• Did you know Trish today is as old as Mae Young was when she gave birth to a hand on that famous Raw?
• Charlotte’s absolute fucking JOY at murdering Trish is something to behold.
• Charlotte “offers to help Trish in the ring”. G.O.A.T.
• Charlotte STEPS ON TRISH to go for the moonsault. But it misses. Oh no!
• Crowd is really into this. Great yay-boo at the top rope.
• I still think Trish is getting too much offense. I kinda wish this was booked as the female Lesnar-Cena squash from 2014.
• Trish with the Figure 8!
• “This is not fair to Flair!” Great callback by Corey.
• “THIS IS AWESOME” chants. Good for them.
• The Stratisfaction gets a VERY close count to the point that good ol’ “Cowboy” even got nervous for a moment.
• This match is so much better than it has any right to be.
• Big boot and Figure 8 wins it for our beloved Charlotte. Not TOO crazy about that finish because it kind of came out of nowhere. But such a great match.
  

4.25 Bobs

• They forego the “handshake of respect” spot to give Trish her curtain call in the middle of the ring. And that’s fine. She deserves it. A truly inspiring performance for a woman who last wrestled in the Rock N’ Wrestling Era.
• Also, props to Trish for selling the Figure 8 damage as she climbs the turnbuckles.
• Kind of adorable moment as Trish forgets 1/4th of the crowd and has to go back and climb the turnbuckles again.
• Meanwhile, we have BOOS for Seth and his feminine manbun as we see him backstage??? I guess Brock does live in Canada, but still.
• Bret Hart comes out in a desperate attempt to get him cheered.

Kofi Kingston (c) vs Randy Orton

• Just wait until we hit the year 2021 and you see Reddit threads pop up saying “DAE think Kofi Kingston was the worst WWE champion of all-time?” Just remember good ol’ “Cowboy” told you first.
• This storyline that the only reason Kofi Kingston wasn’t a main eventer is because of Randy. Then the two lock up and Randy Orton looks like a real life action figure and Kofi looks like a skinny guy who wore wacky pants to your summer barbecue.
• As Randy walks to the ring, I notice some asshole with a little baby in the front row. Why the fuck would you bring a baby to a big, rowdy, loud WWE event? Not only upsetting for the baby, but what are you going to do? Change her during the event in those crowded, awful arena bathrooms? People are so fucking dumb.
• Here comes SUPER-LEGITIMATE BECAUSE HE’S SO LEGITIMATE KOFI.
• “KOFI’S STUPID/RANDY SUCKS!” dueling chants. Hilarious. You know what side I’d be on.
• Nice DDT after jumping from the top rope by Kofi.
• Kofi yells “stupid!” as Randy is lying on the ground. Who cares.
• Nice counter of the Trouble In Pardise to Randy’s inverted backbreaker.
• Kofi counters the Randy middle rope DDT. Might actually be the first time I ever saw anyone do that.
• Kofi’s freefall from the second rope looks like tons of fun. Like a really good time. I bet it isn’t.
• Has Orton EVER, I mean, EVER, done the ramp up to the RKO, where he pounds the mat, and hit it on the first try? Ever?
• On cue, he gets countered.
• HOLY FUCK.
• DIVE OFF THE TOP INTO AN RKO AS WE HAD A CHANCE TO END THIS NATIONAL NIGHTMARE TITLE REIGN BUT RANDY CAN’T CAPITALIZE.
• Fuck.
• What the hell? Orton yaps to Kofi’s family and there’s a COUNT-OUT???
• Huge “bullshit” chants for that one. Deservedly so.
• That’s a shame. Was really getting going.

3.25 Bobs

• Kofi beats thes shit out of Orton with a kendo stick, showing a nice edge, but the crowd is so pissed at the finish that they don’t care.
• In fact, Kofi is actually getting HEEL HEAT for this. Interestingly enough.
• Now we have Bray vs Finn. This will be very interesting. We don’t know what Bray’s entrance music will be. How heelish they play him. How much they make him sell. Does he wear the mask? This really, really, really, needs to be a dominant performance.

“The Fiend” Bray Wyatt vs Finn Balor

• Here comes smilin’ Finn is his white undies and a white leather jacket tonight.
• Soft “Yowie Wowie” chants starting up. I’m rooting for you Bray.
• Firefly theme starts, lights systematically go out, and a hard metal theme starts. It’s a new re-mixed version of the old Bray theme, now sung by a woman. Good ol’ “Cowboy” is down with this. I mean, it is a great theme.
• He has a lantern which looks like his own severed head with a lightbulb inside. Interesting.
• It’s sufficiently creepy.
• “Holy shit” chants just for an entrance. Haven’t seen that since Nakamura’s NXT debut in 2016.
• Bray looks great. This is the best shape he’s ever been in too.
• He is wrestling in the mask and it looks GREAT.
• Bray actually pretends to SNAP BALOR’S NECK in a really unsettling moment!
• This match is so far EXACTLY what it needs to be.
• Finn can’t get any offense in. No babyface comeback. This needs to end very soon.
• Bray doing this thing where he’s “looking to his hands for guidance”, not unlike Ultimate Warrior at Wrestlemania VII.
• Finn making a babyface comeback. This is a mistake.
• Coup de Grace caught by Bray in a cool spot and Bray locks in the mandible claw and gets the pin.
• That was fucking awesome. Good for Bray.

3.00 Bobs

• “That was awesome” chants. DO NOT FUCK THIS UP, VINCE.

Brock Lesnar (c) vs Seth Rollins

• So “Cowboy” Bob is an ENORMOUS mark for Brock Lesnar. The lack of any title changes tonight makes me very suspicious that Brock is losing. I hope I am wrong.
• Seth as a babyface is trash. Brock should hold the title until he retires and then just vacate it.
• Mild pop for the so-called best babyface in the company. Crowd happily does the “burn it down” though.
• Corey saying he doesn’t find it “even close to likely” that Seth wins is also a major black mark against Brock’s chances.
• They gave Brock pyro back for his entrance! Felt right.
• Seth with this ribs taped. What bullshit are they going book here for this?
• There really should be a spot here where Rollins kicks Lesnar in the balls, but Lesnar doesn’t react as he’s wearing a cup finally.
• Holy shit! Rollins with a flip off the German Suplex, then curbstomps him and legit worked me that they would squash Brock like that.
• Seth again flips out of the suplex and Brock catches him for the F-5. This is so much fun so far.
• Already “This is awesome” chants. This crowd tonight has been outstanding.
• Rollins sells by screaming “OH FUCK” and then Lesnar calls him a bitch. YES.
• Rollins does the triple suicide dives and Lesnar catches him and fucking destroys him against the ringpost.
• Imagine thinking Brock Lesnar is a “boring” champion.
• Oh shit! Lesnar kicks the table but Rollins superkicks him onto it. Rollins to the top! ROLLINS FROGSPLASH THROUGH THE TABLE AND BROCK SELLS IT LIKE DEATH.
• What a fucking spot.
• OH MY GOD Seth with a frogsplash in the ring and a curbstomp and Brock KICKS OUT.
• Paul Heyman’s “NOOOOOO!!!” as the stomp hits was a work of art.
• Rollins counters the F-5 with another curbstomp and wins the title.

4.50 Bobs

• I hate the result, but the match was undeniably great.
• Seth cries in the ring like a little bitch.

An easy THUMBS UP by “Cowboy” Bob for a great show. It started off very medicore and rocky for the first half but revved up by the end.