WWE Monday Night Raw: August 5th, 2019 “Cowboy” Round-Up

Final Raw before Summerslam. I am old enough to remember when a go-home show for a major PPV was MUST-SEE television. Now it’s basically “eh, I can get a recap in the video package before the matches.” Would be nice if WWE made them seem special again. Let’s see how it goes. Also, if you’re looking for a new pro wrestling podcast, give The Protected Finish a listen!

• The entire roster standing out there in remembrance of the victims of the shootings this weekend. Always dangerous to have quiet, respectful moments with wrestling fans around, but everyone behaves.
• Oh God this opening credits music SUCKS. And this is coming from “Cowboy” Bob who loves the “Bright Lights” theme.

• A fat jobber is standing on the table saying he didn’t try to murder Roman Reigns.
• By process of elimination, it has to be Daniel Bryan. Very predictable, but Daniel Bryan is awesome, so whatevs.
• They are actually showing this again when it was hilariously cheesy. I guess dive right in at this point.
• When this happened, people saw Buddy Murphy in the shot and some wondered if they would be ballsy enough to give this spot to him. Man, would it create a new star overnight, that’s for sure.
• Glass Joe: “It looks to me like we had more cameras back there than a dystopian city.” Well, that’s a way to describe it.
• We’re graced with The Queen on Raw!
• “Cowboy” Bob loathes the tag match where both sets of participants face at the PPV. And the “Cowboy” thinks seeing Trish in an actual match takes away a little of the specialness of Sunday’s match. “Can she still go out there?” is part of the appeal, but he loves Charlotte, so beggars can’t be choosers.
• “How disrespectful of Becky not to hold the ropes for the Queen!” — Corey Graves. Hilarious.
• I love how every wrestler has a routine they do as they come out, and Natalya’s is basically “hey I’m Nattie, I’m walking out!”
• I do like that Becky and Natalya “angrily” lock up, rather than ignore the story and just have a standard match.
• Becky puts Nattie in the dis-arm her and Charlotte tags herself in mid-way and then shoos off Becky like a peasant, while Corey says “Charlotte evidently felt Becky wasn’t getting the job done!” in what is all a marvelous sequence.
• Charlotte with the fake tag. HEADS AND SHOULDERS above every other woman who has ever been in WWE. Head and shoulders, mofos.
• Nattie with a fully bent leg, not even attempting to stretch for that tag looked incredibly shitty.
• Trish is unbelievably hot for a septogenarian.
• This little “force-tag” game between Charlotte and Becky is kind of fun. Fun little match, who knew?
• Then Charlotte attacks Becky and walks out!
• Becky sells the Sharpshooter like “Cowboy” Bob reacts when he sees a line of more than 5 people at Dunkin’ Donuts.
• We didn’t see Trish wrestle, so apparently WWE agrees with me.
• Did Glass Joe throw out that “dystopian city” shitty line to promote The Hunger Games 3 night event on TNT? I actually think he did. Jesus Christ.
• I can’t believe we still do “he tried to take off Rey Mysterio’s mask” storylines. They were lame in 2005.
• Nice to see that the coolest fucking move Rey Mysterio has done in 14 years was during the commercial break.
• So this match has been very good, but there is “Cowboy” Bob’s least favorite move. Where the guy taking it has to hold onto the ropes while hanging upside down in the turnbuckle for reasons that just don’t make any logical sense. Why would you willingly participate in this?
• Why is the ref trying to stop him from taking the mask off? That’s not illegal.
• Zelina Vega, the best manager WWE has had in years, helps for the win.
• Alright look. I don’t have much OBGYN experience. But do most have OBGYN in big letters all over the wall?
• Maria’s husband pins her at the OBGYN appointment which is VERY SIMILAR to what “Cowboy” Bob predicted at the Protected Finish podcast this week!
• Here is R-Truth in drag in the waiting room. “OBGY-not?” This is hilarious.
• My one minor criticism? I think they pulled the “Mike stands up for himself” angle way too soon.
• How did Mike set up a fake OBGYN room with a fake doctor?
• Why do the referees go along with these ruses?
• Am I supposed to ask these questions?
• Vanilla Seth comes out and gets beat up by Brock again. Let’s all hope Brock retains so we can end this.
• Seth with straight hair looks very feminine.
• This Seth Rollins’ attempt at an Emmy is getting WHAT chants. Yikes.
• I may never say this again, but I agree with the crowd WHAT-chanting. Utterly painful to watch, and Seth is typically a good promo. I praise him for trying something different, but this was out of his range.
• I get the point of the segment but it did not at all go the way they hoped it would.
• Nobody has done the “still standing after a brutal beating” storyline well since Jeff Hardy and the Undertaker back in the day.
• Also Seth is selling this like he has irritable bowel syndrome and desperately needs to make it to a bathroom.
• Kurt Angle looks like a Milk Dud.
• 2000-2006 Kurt Angle would have a HILARIOUS segment with Street Profits.
• Not sure why Drew McIntyre would actively try to antagonize the referee for his mach.
• Another Viking Raiders jobber squash. “A hush has fallen over the arena”, says Corey. You know why? Because they are natural babyfaces and forced into a heel role, so the crowd doesn’t know how to react.
• RIP Harley Race. I love when Reddit has their “MEGATHREAD” when a guy like Harley dies, and 1,000 teenagers pretend they ever watched a match of his.
• I was at UFC: Newark this past Saturday when one of my favorite fighters, Colby Covington, came out to dominate to Kurt Angle’s theme. Got a decent “YOU SUCK” reaction too. Big compliment to Angle that the YOU SUCK has crossed mediums.
• I absolutely LOVE that they are establishing that The Fiend can attack at any moment.
• Lights go out! “IT’S FIEND TIME!!!” screams Cole.
• Okay I made up the second part.
• And I am also okay with him using the Mandible Claw. It looks brutal and it won’t pop a crowd like the Sister Abigail will.
• Lame set-up for a 6-man tag.
• LITERALLY…LITERALLY what “Cowboy” Bob hates the most in pro wrestling is the meaningless 6-man tag. Give me a 20 minute Bayley promo. Give me 2019 Kane vs 2019 Great Khali. Give me a recap of the best of Buff Bagwell. Just stop showing me meaningless 6-man tags.
• OH NO! Fatal 4-way Elimination Match for the Women’s Tag Team Championships. RUN, ICONICS! RUN!!!
• Glass Joe to the ring as he “demands an apology” from Roman for making him job so cleanly yet again a few weeks ago.
• Denny’s sucks.
• A bunch of fake actor liars pretend that Burger King makes great tacos. I would get a full Maine Lobster from my local diner before I ate fucking taco meat from Burger King.
• As corny as the Roman attempted murder was, his acting here was on par with Daniel Day Lewis in Gangs of New York compared to Seth’s shitty segment tonight.
• I know this would never happen, but you know what would get EPIC fucking heel heat? Imagine they ever pulled one of these “Raw is shut down until this dude comes out!” segments. And literally the entire last hour of the show was a heel just sitting in the ring. Imagine the fucking heel heat. I’m only half kidding.
• Glass Joe heads out to the parking lot to greet Roman. “We’ll try to dispatch cameras to see if we can film this.” So you can get cameras to Maria Kanellis’ OBGYN appointment but might not have time for this?
• A car tries to kill Roman! SOMEBODY IS LITERALLY TRYING TO KILL ROMAN REIGNS.
• Again, by process of elimination, it has to be Daniel Bryan. BUT I DON’T CARE. “Cowboy” Bob loves mystery angles.
• So Glass joe being concerned for Roman is basically a face turn, right?
• It probably does mean a face turn (which would explain all the losing lately), but wouldn’t it be cool if WWE could have somewhat 3-dimensional characters? Like imagine Joe was a heel, but yet he doesn’t like antics like this. He wants to beat people up in the ring straight up, eye to eye, but trying to kill them is just way too far. In stupid pro wrestling terms, if you aren’t endorsing straight up murder you are a babyface.
• OH NO. Women’s tag titles up for grabs. THE IICONICS MUST KEEP THE BELTS.
• 
• If IIconics HAVE TO lose, maybe, just MAYBE I can live with Fire & Desire taking the belts. But the IIconics are national treasures.
• To be honest, all 4 of these teams would be great. Kabuki Warriors, Alexa/Nikki, Fire & Desire, but we all know that the IIConics are the best of the bunch.
• I love that while Kevin Owens keeps the Stunner alive and Bray Wyatt adopts the Mandible Claw that Peyton Royce is keeping the Nikki Bella ass twirl going.
• Hey, remember the manufactured Reddit rage that the “Kabuki Warriors” was a “racist name” because EVIL WHITE VINCE MCMAHON forced it on the poor innocent minority women? Then, uh-oh, gets revealed by Paige that Asuka and Kairi Sane SHOCKINGLY came up with the name themselves because they are proud of their heritage. The internet is full of fucking losers, never forget this.
• The IIconics dominate everyone to start the match but that probably means they are losing.
• OH NO.
• OH GOD NO.
• THE IICONICS ARE ELIMINATED.
• ON ONE HAND IT PROVES “COWBOY” BOB RIGHT FROM A MOMENT AGO. ON THE OTHER HAND PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING MAY DIE AS WE KNOW IT.
• Look, I’m incredibly biased. But this was a terrible decision. They should’ve dodged legitimate title defenses and wormed their way to annoying victories until next Mania at the EARLIEST.
• Corey with a hilarious joke that cracks himself up when he suggests that maybe Alexa won’t shake Kairi Sane’s hand because she has scurvy.
• Weird sequence as Asuka chokes out Mandy but Sonya doesn’t save? Like why wouldn’t she jump in? I don’t get it.
• Was about to resign myself to the Kabuki victory when Nikki Cross saves the day!!!
• Twisted Bliss and new champs!
• This whole Alexa and Nikki thing is now a full-fledged story. The eventual Alexa turn will be so much better now. I still think my beloved IIconics got rail-roaded but this is a decent consolation prize.
• Let’s pray the rumors are true and this isn’t really a contract signing for Miz vs fucking Ziggler.
• I love how a 55 year old bald guy chewing tobacco is the “Heartbreak Kid” still.
• Oh good. Won’t be Miz. Thank the Lord.
• HBK a red herring. That’s smart.
• Massive pop for Goldberg. A legitimately cool moment so we’ll ignore Michael Cole’s little bitch “OHHHHH MYYYY!!!”
• I’m pretty sure Dolph can go to court and a judge would throw out this contract under false pretenses.
• I also believe Goldberg doesn’t know that we have no overtime on USA Network anymore.

Fun show. I’m not a complicated man. Aside from the 6-man tag, I wasn’t falling asleep or anything.