WWE Smackdown Live: July 9th, 2019 “Cowboy” Round-Up

“Cowboy” notes as he watches Smackdown Live, live.

• Looks like the Kevin Owens’ face turn is finally a full-go, which is long overdue. Dude is an awful, awful heel. The comedic timing is too on point to fight how great of a babyface he can be. Guy can be the modern day Dusty Rhodes if they play it right.
• I don’t know if this Dolph thing is leading to a lame midcard feud with Owens, but “Cowboy” Bob is a huge sucker for the “mismatched tag team partners who hate each other’s guts but keep somehow winning”.
• After last week’s funny “It should’ve been you yeah yeah we know” promo on Ziggler, Kevin Owens opens with an epic promo on Shane McMahon. Looks like they are giving him a “babyface who tells it like it is” gimmick, and that could work just fine.
• I hope everybody understands that the reason that Kevin Owens just had an absolutely phenomenal face promo is because of the work of The Best In The World Shane McMahon. Shane’s work over the past few months gave Owens all of that ammunition. Right now Shane McMahon is getting over not one, but FIVE fucking people (Roman, Owens, Drew McIntyre, The Revival), and if you listened to the internet hivemind you’d think he’s “boring”.
• Let’s see Kevin Owens cut that promo on fucking Cesaro, see how well it goes.
• I love how it feels as if Vince just dusted his expensive Nakamura off the shelf. It’s kinda like how every now and then I force myself to fire up Red Dead Redemption 2 even though I’m like only 11% in and never really progress. I paid good money for that game, and I’m going to get use out of it, dammit!
• Wrestling: Where you can walk out wearing bright blue undies and a leather jacket and nobody bats an eye.
• Finn Balor’s line “he’s an artist who paints with CHAOS” is one of the most forced, poorly written piles of shit you can find. Can you imagine Daniel Cormier saying that about Stipe Miocic before UFC 241? Balor is not exactly the DiCaprio of WWE acting, but this isn’t helping.
• I’ll say it again like I did last night: pre-taped segments are fucking DEATH for the live crowd. Poor Samoa Joe is trying to give a promo and it doesn’t matter. You could throw Paige’s sex tape on that Jumbotron and nobody would pop.
• Also alluded to this last night, but when Alexa finally turns on Nikki Cross, it would so awesome if this was the “Oh FUCK, I screwed over the wrong insane maniac” moment for Alexa. If Nikki got dark, crazy, scary and gothic that would be a fantastic character pivot.
• Having Bayley go out for promo segments would be like if the Milwaukee Bucks said “Hey, let’s have Giannis go out there and jack up 3’s for the whole 2nd quarter.”
• Co-champions huh? The tried this with Chris Jericho and Chyna in 2000 with the Intercontinental Title and it was a little underrated, I thought. They were rivals and would both have to begrudingly help each other retain the belts. I could see a scenario where Alexa and Nikki are “co-champions” but Alexa slowly but surely acts like the title is all hers.
• And by “slowly but surely” I mean WWE would make it obvious within 2 shows.
• My dearest Carmella deserves better than “Nikki Cross Warm-Up” match.
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• The IIconics faking sick is pure gold. They are so good. They should be booked in a full year long story as tag team champions, somehow, someway ducking more talented teams. The Honky Tonk Man re-dux.
• Are we seriously going to talk about booked against Dolph fucking Ziggler as “one of those crazy nights” where the “odds are stacked against” Roman? For Christ’s sake.
• Big E really is the modern day 1996 Goldust. Between spanking grown men in their undies, those hip thrusts, the 3-way comment and “touching our tips”, he is pretty sexually suggestive in a ton of different ways. Not that this is a bad thing. Just saying.
• Daniel Bryan is a treasure.
• Heavy Machinery are blue collar solid. What does that mean? It means you overcome any obstacle. Except for telling us WHY YOU’RE FUCKING BLUE COLLAR. Why? Are they construction workers? Truck drivers? SO BLUE COLLAR.
• Who gives a flying fuck about this triple threat? What does it matter who wins? Every single match should matter in some fashion. When I watched UFC 239 this weekend, I was glued to the undercard because every win means the fighter advances in the rankings. This isn’t hard.
• I’m torn on whether I want New Day to have a Shield-style breakup or not. On one hand, the moment would probably be awesome, since all 3 are great performers. However, while when The Shield broke up, we could all imagine Roman, Seth and Dean having some form of singles success, I think we all know that the sum of New Day is much greater than its parts.
• Also, a part of me loves the idea of New Day as the one faction that always stuck together in the history of wrestling.
• Wait a minute – you mean next week Ember Moon is going to find a tag team partner to face Mandy Rose and Sonya? SET YOUR DVRS, MOTHERFUCKERS, AND PUT ON A SEATBELT BECAUSE THE RATINGS ARE ABOUT TO SKYROCKET.
• This whole Ali vs Evil thing could potentially be hinting at Bray Wyatt as the first feud. My money is still on Aleister Black though.
• Not a big fan of Last Man Standing matches. Just laying around for 10 counts kinda bores me. But Strowman and Lashley have to top that spear-through-the-LED-board spot, right? I’ll watch.
• Does anything put a hop in a wrestling fan’s step like a good ol’ fashioned mystery angle? Mystery opponent? Who-attacked-____?”
• And as Cesaro reveals himself as the mystery opponent, does anything fucking deflate a wrestling fan like a shitty payoff to a mystery angle?
• This had to be a mystery angle all along, and then someone backstage said “Wait…it’s fucking Cesaro? Reveal it now before they riot on Sunday.”
• Don’t get the Shelton Benjamin thing.
• Serious question: If Dolph Ziggler beat Roman Reigns clean here, would it be the single biggest upset in the history of pro wrestling?
• Hint: if you had to actually think about that, it shouldn’t be the main event for your goddamn show. Don’t book Roman vs Ziggler as your main event and look shocked at the ratings tomorrow morning.
• I get it. It’s a tough line to tow. You don’t want to pull a WCW and put PPV-caliber main events on every free show. But again, give me SOME reason to watch. Does the winner affect any stipulations for Extreme Rules? Number one contender matches? Anything. Just give me a reason to watch. Is there even a 1% chance Roman loses?
• Dolph hits Roman with a neckbreaker, goes for the pin, gets 2 and yells “C’MON!!!” He wouldn’t pin Curtis Axel with a neckbreaker. Why would he even go for a cover? Why would he be surprised at Roman kicking out? It’s logic breaks like this that take me out of matches.
• Speaking of “taking the audience out of matches”. It’s 9:58, so magically this match will end in 2 minutes. I don’t understand how Vince cares about “no wrestling during commercial breaks” to mimic real life, yet this is okay. Why not just put time limits on matches? I don’t get it.
• Oh, and apparently McIntyre and Ziggler are totally cool for reasons.
• I can live in a world where the Stunner is passed on to Kevin Owens.
• Amazingly, Reigns gets off the spear right as the show goes off the air. Such coincidental timing!!!
• Definite step back overall for WWE after a good week of shows. Lord help us that we are saved by champ Baron and champ Lacey at Extreme Rules on Sunday