WWE TLC 2019 “Cowboy” Round-Up

Potentially the least anticipated PPV of the whole year that WWE remembered they had to host apparently 2 weeks ago. I am watching as I have Royal Rumble tickets this year and want to see if we start builidng to anything fascinating.

WWE Smackdown Tag Team Championship

The New Day (c) vs The Revival

• Hard to imagine an act that could benefit more from a heel turn than The New Day. Even more than Miz.
• Pretty cool reversal sequence where Kofi jumps over the ladder on the apron, hits the ropes, and instead of the predictable kicking of the ladder into Revival, they anticipate it and slam Kofi repeatedly with the ladder.
• That is one of the best aspects of The Revival. They consistently subvert tired wrestling tropes.
• Of course Kofi no-sells it like 10 seconds later, but whatevs.
• Sort of a funny replay where they don’t speed it up at the right moment, so you see Big E very softly jump into the ladder with minimal impact. Sort of like the old classic Simpsons joke. “Let’s just say it MOVED ME…to a BIGGER HOUSE!…Uh-oh, I said the quiet part loud and the loud part quiet.”
• Not Big E’s fault, everyone does it. But “I’m going to take my time setting up this second ladder instead of trying to quickly climb the one set up already” just lacks logic and takes me out of these things.
• I like that Revival improvved a spot to crush the ladder after the suplex missed.
• Cool Big Ending off ladder.
• Super Kofi retains the title.
• Not a bad match, but these have been done so many different ways that we are desensitized at this point.

2.25 Bobs

• King Corbin says he isn’t concerned. Being concerned is for losers on Twitter. He’s not wrong.

Aleister Black vs Buddy Murphy

• Not crazy about that snot-colored Aleister Black attire. I do like the neon-blue Buddy attire.
• Black has a fantastic look, great music/entrance and a cool moveset. But he is not in main event shape physically.
• Buddy actually is in main event shape.
• The blood on Black’s mouth makes for a nice visual. BLOOD TELLS STORIES. I’ll keep saying it.
• Love that triple superkick to the face while Black is hanging upside down on the turnbuckle.
• At least these B PPVs allow guys like Black and Murphy to try to showcase themselves with proper time.
• Fun reversal sequence leads to Black Mass and a Black win.
• Decent little match. Like a rich man’s Raw match.

2.00 Bobs

• Rusev’s string of wacky t-shirts is just wonderful.
• Who knew “GRRRRR Russia good, America bad!” Rusev had such charisma?
• I hope somebody goes through that KFC table.

WWE Raw Tag Team Championship

The Viking Raiders vs The O.C.

• Hard to imagine a more underwhelming “Mystery partner” than The O.C.
• “An open challenge, that’s totally lameski.” He’s not wrong.
• I will say, these guys are underrated on the mic.
• Man the Viking Raiders in that purple facepaint in Minnesota is some grade A pandering.
• “Hey, you want to sit right on the floor? Better gobble down this shitty chicken. This isn’t here for show.”
• Amazing athleticism on the handspring elbow but good Lord did he miss him by a fucking mile.
• What an EXTREME count-out finish!
• This really didn’t do it for me.

1.75 Bobs

• At least somebody goes through the KFC table after. I love how the extras protect KFC by clinging to their chicken buckets. Really puts over the value of the chicken.
• Miz goes for the Oscar by saying he is fighting not as a WWE superstar but a father and a husband protecting his family. Snookie looks worried.
• C’mon. Call Seth and AOP “The Architects of Pain”. Do it.

Roman Reigns vs King Corbin

• “Cowboy” Bob is a gigantic fan of both of these two. But this is going to be a very tough sell. We need to bring back out the guy in the dog costume and it needs to be somebody shocking. That’s the only saving grace.
• The dog food thing is stupid but it is definitely fucking gross.
• The fans sure loudly boo this “stupid” King gimmick, huh?
• Don’t you kind of wish “Random Corbin security guy #3” just inexplicably beat the shit out of Roman?
• Corbin “driven into the big tron” which reacts like cardboard.
• Fighting into the crowd is always death for the live crowd.
• Corbin kills me. Picks up the table. “You guys want this?” Puts it down. Glorious.
• Corbin hits Roman with a chair. Then again, he wears a flak jacket.
• Loud “Roman” chants. Anybody remember those before Shane McMahon came around?
• Corbin hits Reigns with a can of dog food. Shades of Brad Pitt in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood!
• Nice Samoan drop through table.
• LOL Dolph Ziggler out of the ring to superkick Roman to save Corbin’s ass.
• Pathetic, delusional Ziggler could be a monster heel.
• Should’ve been Ziggler in the dog suit! I am not even kidding.
• The Revival is here now. For a top babyface, Roman doesn’t have many friends.
• “It’s the locker room coming to the support of the new locker room leader, King Corbin!” I love Corey.
• That Roman dive over the top, for a man his size, is actually more impressive to me than a little guy like Riochet or Finn flipping over it.
• Holy shit! Ziggler just threw a fucking chair into Roman’s face.
• Uso chants. Well, I forgot about them so thanks for ruining this surprise if it happens, stupid audience.
• End of Days on chair wins.
• This was a masterclass in how to get an epic heel sent to monstrous levels.
• Where WERE the Usos? Somebody check the liquor cabinet.

2.75 Bobs

• Gotta admire WWE seeing that the AEW vs NXT ratings battle is essentially tied and going for a roundhouse kick with this Adam Cole vs Finn Balor and Shayna Bayzler vs Rhea Ripley show. It’s like a mini-Takeover.

Bray Wyatt vs The Miz

• Wait, what?! What the fuck is going to main event??? Rusev/Lashley? The women’s tag?! This is bananas.
• Miz shoving Maryse in the door first was something a character can never recover from.
• This is low-key a fascinating match to book. How does Funhouse Bray wrestle?
• Holy shit, he’s going to wrestle in the sweater.
• This man is a gem.
• Creepy guy with his mom in the front row loves Bray.
• Bray starts off super gentle and Miz gets major heel heat going after him.
• That was the right way for the character Miz to go after Bray, despite being a little bitch and shoving his wife into the scary room first.
• Corey: “It’s so bizarre, it’s almost like Bray doesn’t want to be in a fight right now.”
• Maybe they go with Funhouse Bray as a total jobber and Fiend as an unstoppable beast? This is such an interesting booking decision.
• Miz is a terrible wrestler.
• They are booking Bray as “enjoying” the pain. Which is interesting.
• LOL this mother in the front row looks SERIOUSLY freaked out at Bray re-setting his shoulder.
• Eventually Bray comes back and dispatches Miz. Then he apologizes to him.

3.00 Bobs

• Now Bray brings out a gigantic mallet which is probably a re-painted Bludgeon Borthers mallet.
• The lights shut down, but instead of The Fiend, it’s shaved head Daniel Bryan to save Miz.
• Smart storyline. Maybe literally the only babyface who can get cheered vs The Fiend/Bray.

Rusev vs Bobby Lashley

• Jerry Lawler: “This story reminds me of my ex-wife. She wanted to have Olympic sex. Every 4 years!” #bringbackbyronsaxton
• Feel like Rusev needs more babyface-y style music.
• Lana yanks the table out of the ring to massive heel heat. My God she’s so fucking annoying. What a wonderful performer.
• A “Tables Match” is pretty underwhelming to be honest, on a show that has TLC matches. Like, we just saw several people go through tables throughout the night. Here, there’s just 1 table to go through, and that’s it.
• Lana’s gleeful clapping as Lashley beats Rusev with a kendo stick is glorious.
• Lana jumps on Rusev’s back to cause the loss, and a great save by Bobby Lashley when the table did not break.
• Pedestrian table match made fun by the shenanigans. Glad the feud will continue.

2.5 Bobs

• Roman beating up Corbin backstage, so I guess this feud continues too.

WWE Raw Women’s Tag Team Championship

The Kabuki Warriors (c) vs Charlotte Flair and Becky Lynch

• Hey, remember the Reddit White Knight outrage when Asuka and Kairi Sane were named “The Kabuki Warriors” and it turns out it was their idea. BECAUSE THEY ARE JAPANESE. Fucking idiots.
• By the way, we are close to this setting records for shortest WWE PPV. And I am all about it, mofos.
• “Cowboy” Bob loves tag team partners forced to co-exist!
• Holy shit! Kabuki Warriors have legit music now. Not the “play 10 seconds of Asuka, 10 seconds of Kairi and switch” bullshit. And the theme is awesome!
• Man I love that fucking Kairi umbrella.
• These women are simply on another level than AEW. I mean, it’s not even close to being in the same league.
• They are throwing chairs at each other. Weirdly like it.
• Man Asuka looks fucking crazy swinging that rope.
• Kairi is pure gold. She is like Gogo from Kill Bill.
• They are tying Becky to a ladder with a rope. Man this is so weird, this whole match. I love it.
• Charlotte hit by a chair and loudly yells “OH FUCK!!!!” What is this show lol.
• Great leg drop through table on Asuka, from Becky.
• Kairi, who probably weighs like 86 pounds, cannot break the table. Which is always disappointing.
• Charlotte with a great powerbomb through a table, and then Asuka, who might think wrestling is real, gives her a brutal german suplex on the floor.
• They really went for this thing, I’ll give them that.
• I think it has to end with Charlotte screwing Becky, but who knows.
• Well, she did just get powerbombed through a table.
• I also need some green mist, please.
• Wow, Becky about to win, then Chekov’s ladder is pulled with the rope! It actually came into play!
• Asuka and Kairi win. No screwjob. No mist. But man did they try hard.

4.00 Bobs

Then Roman and Co. come out for a random spear to basically just sweep the women out of the way.

A slightly Grinchy THUMBS LEANING DOWN from “Cowboy” Bob from a kinda fun show that had no real standout matches.