One Kofi To Go, Please

WWE has done quite a bit wrong over the past few months. The Fiend and Seth Rollins had a PPV main event that maybe quite literally was the worst ending to a main event on a PPV in the history of the company (Wrestlemania VIII main event ended in a disqualification, but the return of the Ultimate Warrior at least left a great taste in our mouths.) It was an ending so fucking terrible that it not only left fans unhappy, gave a total lay-up to their new fledgling competition, but it actually destroyed the integrity of an entire brand name for the product. I will need an entire blog just for it.

WWE Friday Night Smackdown was supposed to be the new era for the company. A fresh start on their largest platform of all-time. This was going to be WWE putting their very best foot forward. An unfathomably shitty draft later (nobody cared nor remembered who was on which show anyway after the wildcard debacle) and suddenly they just posted a rating on a cable station worse than AEW [no, seriously, holy shit.]

However, the one major item they got right was the mercifully quick, decisive end to the title reign of Kofi Kingston, who good ol’ “Cowboy” Bob has said for months is the worst champion in the history of the company.

MOVE BITCH, GET OUT THE WAY

After a 6 month long title reign that the internet had to pretend to like, Kofi Kingston found himself up against Brock Lesnar for the WWE title. He literally ran at Brock, was F-5’d, pinned, and that was that. Bye bye, Kofi.

I probably haven’t popped harder for a WWE segment since the return of Shane-O-Mac in 2016.

The pretender champ is swept under the rug and the real champ is victorious. All is back right with the world.

Kofi rolled immediately out of the ring and back to the mid-card where he belonged. He was jobbing in a throwaway tag match to Dolph Ziggler only 2 weeks later.

This is absolutely the appropriate ending.

First off, let’s go to the beginning of the reign. All the ultra-woke morons on Reddit were duped. This wasn’t an “organic movement”. It was a planned organic movement, which is, of course, not fucking organic.

It’s painfully obvious that heading into Wrestlemania, the “Kofi” spot was going to go to Ali. Cut and paste Ali into every Kofi moment. The near-Elimination Chamber win. The gauntlet match, etc.

WWE has two major titles, so it can afford to take a “gamble” with one. And I would have been fine with it. WWE needs to make new stars, and Ali is as good as any to take a run with.

Instead, Kofi was used. It is no secret, as a quick Google search will tell you, that Xavier and Big E of New Day made it their mission to get Kofi Kingston the WWE title before he retires. They’ve spoken openly about it.

Ali gets injured, and now, suddenly you need a new star in the storyline. Instead of “new star gets the shot of a life-time”, it gets changed to “Lovable veteran gets the shot he deserved”.

However, this shittastic title reign showed us why Kofi didn’t come close to sniffing that title for 11 years, and it has nothing to do with Randy Orton.

An Unworthy Champion Rises

When I call Kofi the worst WWE champion of all-time, the most common response is “but—but MUH JINDER MAHAL!” I have defended the Modern Day Maharaja ever since that title reign.

First of all, it was different. And new. Jinder never had a shot. He was always a total jobber. Was he 1996 Bret Hart in the ring? Not at all. But the dude had a killer look (must be multi-vitamins), a bad-ass theme song, and a hatable, obnoxious gimmick that worked wonders to getting heel heat. Of course “We’re not racist, you’re just an asshole” got old after feud #4, but again WWE is not exactly a Paul Thomas Anderson screenplay here.

I’m all for trying something new. Kofi was not new. Kofi had his shot.

He was a high-flyer capable of amazing spots in his youth who never had that extra added oomph to get him to the top title. New Day was where he belonged. An entertaining mid-card act where he doesn’t have to bear the brunt of the pressure by himself. Kofi is a great worker, and he sure seems like a terrific human being, but he is not a main event caliber wrestler.

Once he became champ, WWE had to realize they were in a terrible position. Because of today’s ultra-woke, low-key racist culture, WWE couldn’t get the belt off of him. Remember when Kofi came out the night after Mania on Raw, and challenged Seth to a champion vs champion match? Can you even imagine if whitey Seth (he’s latino, but woke nazis don’t care) had pinned him clean? WWE and Vince would be branded as eEeEeEeEviL racists and cancel culture would have screamed to high heavens.

So WWE, booked into a corner, had to make the best of it and, at the same time, keep him champion long enough to appease the woke outrage mob. They knew, without a doubt, that Kofi was an undeserving champion.

And how do you know this? Because the entire fucking storyline was that he is an unworthy champion! The entire story was, night after night, wrestlers pointing out that Kofi was not a real champ. How he was mid-card for a reason. How his title win was a “fluke”. WWE had to do a multi-month storyline focusing on this asshole throwing around pancakes as he beat jobber after jobber to “prove” he belonged.

The storyline had to go on until Kofi beat a “real” main eventer, and poor Randy Orton was chosen as the sacrificial lamb. Kofi does, indeed, pin the “real” main event talent clean, and that’s all, folks. Story is over.

In steps a real, actual, truly deserving champion, Brock Lesnar, and enough of this bullshit: Kofi is pinned in 6 seconds. He got the treatment he deserved and he should be thankful for the run he had.

Outrage That Is As Real As Professional Wrestling Matches

The usual Reddit woketards cried about this, of course. Those looking to out virtue-signal each other about WWE booking practices. Despite a 6 month title reign for a career mid-carder, of course “racist” was thrown around, as if it even means anything these days. Also, we still love to sweep under the rug that arguably the greatest star WWE ever made, The Rock, is black, but I digress.

I guarantee, hooked up to a lie detector, that not one of those troglodytes truly enjoyed Kofi’s promos or matches. They enjoyed that they think their voices were heard, and instead, their voices were manipulated into doing exactly what Vincent Kennedy McMahon wanted.

There was no “movement” for Kofi as champ. WWE told you who to “galvanize behind”, and you did. Right down to the fake superstars in the back cheering as convincingly as the Fox robot cheering for the drafting of Natalya.

Also, and watch out, here comes a phrase “Cowboy” has used several times with Shane-O-Mac – guess what, ninnies, you are SUPPOSED to not like how Brock won. This is your beloved internet darling, and he loses in 6 seconds (gasp!!!) to the BOOGEYMAN that you HATE having the title, Brock Lesnar. That disrespect you feel? The idea that your hero was humiliated? The dread at somebody holding the title you loathe?

That’s called a heel, genius.

You are outraged at the heel’s antics. Wow, that dopey Vince McMahon sure is over the hill!

Don’t Drop Your Dumbass Pancakes On The Way Out

Many wondered where Kofi goes from here. Surely, staying in the upper mid-card, no? Perhaps an IC title run?

Nope. Right back to New Day in the middle of the pack, exactly where he belongs. Kofi looks like he is one pancake shortstack above 205 Live, has a weird chest, pigtails and dances and claps his hands all day. That’s not exactly the Ultimate Warrior in his prime.

In summary – WWE needed an “underdog” story for Wrestlemania. The right person for this story, Ali, got injured. Kofi lucked himself in politically to steal it. A combination of appeasing woke losers and needing filler until Fox in October led Kofi to have an improbable run with the belt and have fun beating jobbers like Ziggler and Samoa Joe while the commentators masturbated over how “legitimate” he was. Good for Kofi. He manipulated the system.

But now all is right in the wrestling world.

4 thoughts on “One Kofi To Go, Please

  1. It is rather telling that Kofi’s character seems to have no recollection that he was ever champion.

    I didn’t have any particular issue with Kofi being champ that I didn’t already have with him as a wrestler. That being his offense looks about as impactful as being gently paddled with pillows. There’s just no oomph behind his strikes. Compare his Thunder in Paradise to Black’s Black Mass. Both head kicks, but which one looks worse to be on the receiving end of?

    By the way, glad to see you back, dude. Squaredcircle has become insufferable. Right now they’re trying to cancel Graves for having the nerve to say Mauro talks too loud. Of course, the fact that Graves apologized isn’t and can’t ever be enough.

    Like

    1. The issue with Kofi is that he was where he was for a reason. You aren’t on roster for 11 years without being world champion if there isn’t a good reason for it. And no, it isn’t because Randy Orton got angry at him once in 2010.

      Kofi is a solid worker, okay on the microphone, and a fun presence. That screams mid-card. A World Champion needs something more. Not everybody has it, and not everybody just gets a turn with the belt for fun.

      Thanks for the kind words!!! I keep checking in on it, and the hivemind over there is stronger than ever. I saw somebody call Chris Jericho’s (very funny!) parody promo video on AEW “not just the funniest wrestling moment of the year but one of the funniest things I have ever seen in all of entertainment.” Jesus Christ.

      New blogs coming soon!!!

      Like

      1. I read that comment as well. Yeah, greatest thing in entertainment ever. Surpasses the work of Scorsese, Anderson, Copolla. All of them toppled by a drunk wrestler.

        Like

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