I am actually fairly optimistic as this card seems pretty decent for a B-PPV. Also a set-up for Survivor Series season, if that’s a thing, as well as wanting to have good momentum for the big Fox Smackdown. Let’s see how it goes!
Seth Rollins & Braun Strowman (c) vs Dolph Ziggler & Robert Roode
WWE Smackdown Women’s Championship Match
- This Rollins/Strowman storyline would be a million times better if they did not team up 10 minutes ago. Why couldn’t this story start around early summer?
- I also can’t believe this storyline wasn’t that Strowman faces AJ for the US title as well, thus leading to a protected loss for Strowman in his 3rd match of the night later on.
- And every time Robert Roode’s music hits, I marvel at how somebody with this elite theme song did not succeed on the main roster.
- I like how, so far, it’s all sunny and happy for Strowman and Rollins with fun teamwork. Let’s see if we have MISCOMMUNICATION ZANINESS.
- WACKY MISCOMMUNICATION ZANINESS eventually ensues as Strowman knocks Ziggler into Rollins, allowing Roode to sneak up on Rollins and hit the laziest finisher name since “The Angle Slam”, “The Glorious DDT”, and win the tag titles in a shocking moment. Nice to see Ziggler/Roode not treated like jobbers.
- New NXT commercial: “If you don’t want little men in tarzan undies teaming with grown adults in dinosaur masks, watch us.”
- Snookie interviews Becky. She says her and Seth will still be champs, after Braun says that “Seth” lost the title. Would be kind of cool if Seth and Becky both lost all their titles tonight and had to come back to re-claim them. Am I saying this because Becky as champion annoys the shit out of me? Maybe.
- Becky’s line about Sasha dying her hair went over about as well as Kamala Harris’ “Wizard of Oz” joke at the Dem debates this week.
Bayley (c) vs Charlotte Flair
WWE Smackdown Women’s Championship Match
- Charlotte attempting to be a 10 time champion. Not enough.
- No but seriously, look at the atrocity that AEW is about to put their women’s title on. It gives you an idea of how far apart these promotions are, so let’s settle down before we start a “war”.
- Not sure how I feel about Bayley as a “heel” coming out in the same way as always.
- Bayley eventually takes off the bottom turnbuckle and throws Charlotte’s face into it to get the cheap win and literally run out of the arena with the belt. It’s fun and effective.
- Love Charlotte’s subtle “I respect that shittiness” smirk. Match never really got going.
The New Day (c) vs The Revival
WWE Smackdown Tag Team Championship Match
- I enjoy that Xavier has an edge to him in this match, being that Revival took out his knee a few weeks ago. He should be mad and correctly reacts.
- What’s truly incredible is that we are in an era where New Day are technically at the top of the company, holding all the belts, yet it feels like they are at their weakest of popularity since ascending from jobber status all the way back in 2015. The time to do something like this was at the top of their legendary heel run years ago, not now. The pancakes are stale, both figuratively and probably literally.
- Revival can win the match, but instead, like complete retards, they target Woods’ knee instead. However! Woods does tap out, and instead of being remembered as complete retards, Revival are now known as dastardly meanies. Which is good.
- R-Truth is pretending to work a boom mic to hide his 24/7 title. He apologizes to “Other Carmella” Alexa Bliss in a hilarious moment.
- Alexa is going back to her Harley Quinn knockoff and I don’t think anyone is complaining.
- Hell in a Cell promo – call me when there’s blood.
Alexa Bliss & Nikki Cross (c) vs Fire & Desire
WWE Women’s Tag Team Championship Match
- I love that Mandy Rose and Sonya Deville have an actual team name. Alexa and Nikki need one. “The Scrappy Munchkins” would be best but they probably won’t go there.
- I hate that Mandy and Sonya’s theme is like “let’s play 10 seconds of Sonya’s theme, 10 seconds of Mandy’s, and then just alternate until we are done”. Pick a theme song and stick with it! They do this all the time.
- Not said enough – Mandy Rose is a perfect human being.
- Also, Sonya Deville, who I adore, IS VERY GAY. SEE HER RAINBOW TOWEL. DON’T FORGET HOW GAY SHE IS!
- R-Truth invades this mid-match, and Alexa—MIDDLE OF HER MATCH, tries to win the 24/7 title. I FUCKING LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THAT SEQUENCE.
- Mandy and Alexa both knock themselves out. Corey: “Somebody should help both of them!” Cole: “Yeah, who would that be?” Corey: “I was an EMT once.”
- Poor Mandy and Sonya, as 3’7 Nikki gets the pin. Her theme music is perfect for her though.
- This is not an inspiring show so far. Super meh. And nobody is expecting the next match to kick it into high gear.
Shinsuke Nakamura (c) vs The Miz
WWE Intercontinental Championship Match
- Sami Zayn gets an entrance and mentions Undertaker, so I guess that will be for Fox’s Smackdown debut.
- There’s something weird about a neck brace that just screams total heel.
- Sami Zayn’s commentary on the outside is fucking GOLD. I am glad they are continuing this gimmick after poor Lio Rush was canned.
- “You look as bad as Carolina did on Thursday.” Pure gold. I love the cheapest of cheap heel heat – the local sports team.
- “A mediocre arm drag at best.” Gold.
- “Miz – The King of Soft Style.” I love it.
- After various wacky distractions, Nakamura pins Miz. This was the right decision, because Nakamura/Zayn is surprisingly entertaining as a heel duo and Miz is HORRIFYINGLY BAD as a face. Maybe Miz should even turn and JOIN those two as a delightfully shitty heel stable.
- Match was not great but Sami’s heel antics were fantastic.
Becky Lynch (c) vs Sasha Banks
WWE Raw Women’s Championship Match
- This is the right time to get the belt off Becky.
- I absolutely can’t believe that nobody mentioned the epic NXT match between these two where Becky came close but couldn’t overcome Sasha, yet put herself on the map as a serious star overnight. That might show continuity, can’t have that!
- “Bobservation” – I feel like female heels are always less clothed than female babyfaces. I wonder why. I wonder if they feel like the babyface should be “virtuous” and not “sexy”.
- Sasha is so good. As good if not better than Charlotte in the ring, and that’s saying something.
- Disarm-Her locked in for enough time to create real drama, but Sasha gets to the ropes.
- See, this blue hair is important. It’s like when a shitty NFL team changes uniforms. Sometimes, you just need that loser stink off of you. We would associate purple hair Sasha with a loser (despite 4 championship reigns, that’s how shitty they booked her). Sasha needs this win. “Cowboy” Bob needs this win. The people need this win.
- Two back-stabbers and a Bank Statement as the WWE universe nearly rejoices, but Becky makes the ropes.
- CHAIR USED BUT BECKY KICKS OUT. I CAN’T TAKE THE DRAMA.
- BECKY HITS THE REF WITH A CHAIR. NOW USING IT ON SASHA. As the short-haired blonde chick says in The Matrix “not like this…not like this.”
- They fight out into the concourse. Kinda cool, as the women never do this.
- Referee still down after a chairshot from a woman. What a little bitch.
- I REFUSE FOR THIS MATCH TO END LIKE THIS.
- Great match. I can’t believe shitty Becky is still champ. Match knocked down a peg from being great for the shitty finish.
Kofi Kingston (c) vs Randy Orton
WWE Championship Match
- Kofi comes out to his lamest pop yet.
- Kofi Kingston is the greatest mistake the internet ever made.
- This match really does feel like the crowd wants Randy to win.
- RKO but Corey says “That’s gotta be it!” and Kofi is too obviously close to the ropes so there is no drama.
- KOFI WINS BECAUSE HE’S SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LEGITIMATE.
- If you’re a “Cowboy” Bob fan, or a “cowpoke” as I call my fans, you know that I’ve said forever that Kofi has to beat Randy to finally prove he is a “legitimate” champion, and now next PPV he can finally drop that belt and never come near it again.
- Kofi wins and the crowd goes mild to say the least.
Roman Reigns vs Erick Rowan
No Disqualification Match
- Roman looks like he is greatly enjoying finally being the babyface they always wanted him to be.
- Also, cancer or no cancer, WWE deserves credit for booking him so well and not losing the cheers of the crowd instantly like everyone expected.
- As Rachel McAdams would say if they made a sequel to Mean Girls today, “Stop trying to make Erick Rowan happen. It’s not going to happen.”
- This match screamed filller crap to me, but the powerbomb through the table was awesome.
- “Could this be it for REIGNS???” screaming the commentator of course means no chance of it being it for Reigns.
- Luke Harper, who can’t do a rudimentary Southern accent, is here. “WHY AM I PAYING THAT BEARDED WEIRDO FOR NOTHING, DAMMIT!” — Vince, probably.
- At least Harper doesn’t have that old grey shirt with the stain on it anymore.
- Long and boring, mostly.
Seth Rollins (c) vs Braun Strowman
WWE Universal Championship Match
- Rollins is stunned somebody kicked out of a move that never, ever pins anybody.
- I love how Corey is never afraid to point out logic. “Maybe Seth should just take a count-out victory.” I love those little touches.
- Rollins pushes Strowman into the table, which collapses instantly without weight on it and exposes forever how incredibly fake wrestling is.
- Strowman kicks out of the “stomp” (it’s curbstomp, you pussies) at one. Now THAT is where you bust out the Leo-DiCaprio acting reaction, Seth.
- I’d like to point out that the crowd was fucking RED HOT when Strowman had him for the powerslam.
- Also, “Cowboy” Bob LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVES that Seth, in desperation, had to resort to the PEDIGREE to set up Strowman for the win. Really sold that he “pulled out all the stops” for the win.
- That being said, I am fairly certain Strowman has as many PPV title losses as Samoa Joe now. Dangerous territory.
- Fucking love the “NEXT ON WWE NETWORK” fake-out and FUCKING BRAY WYATT to attack Seth.
- Listen to “Cowboy” Bob. LISTEN TO HIM. Put the title on Bray NOW. Right now. At Hell in a Cell. THIS IS THE TIME. THIS IS THE TIME. THIS IS THE TIME.
- Also, this mediocre PPV was about a jillion times better than AEW All Out. A mild THUMBS SLIGHTLY LEANING DOWN for a slightly dissappointing PPV where the match quality didn’t hit what was expecting, but a few fun entertainment moments carried it.