WWE Monday Night Raw: September 2nd, 2019 “Cowboy” Round-Up

After an underwhelming-to-say-the-least AEW All Out, I wanted to add a few thoughts on NXT Takeover: Cardiff. It was a good show. Certainly better than AEW’s show, which is fairly alarming, which I’ll get into in a moment.

NXT Takeover: Cardiff was good, but let’s not get carried away. Nothing was bad, the tag match was great, and the Walter vs Tyler Bate match was a legit 4.75 Bobs. But there are no characters. It’s just professional wrestlers performing professional wrestling as a performance art to a very high degree.

My podcast partner “Heartbreak” Biz argues that is what NXT is. NXT, even in the US, is just purely the good wrestling, while WWE the main roster has the zany, wacky characters. I disagree.

Velveteen Dream, Matt Riddle, Street Profits – these are all full-fledged, zany pro wrestling superstars. When you take out semblance of character, and it’s just athletes performing moves on each other, that is, in a sense, just a fake UFC. I watch real fighting for the fighting aspect. I watch professional wrestling for the athleticism, the ridiculousness, and the soap opera antics.

Also, that little british guy kicking out of the jackhammer + 450 splash combo was really fucking stupid.

That being said – for this show to be shown on my TV at 2 pm on a Saturday as a throwaway on my $9.99 network streaming service to be unequivocally BETTER than the $60 pay-per-view for a start-up wrestling promotion that needed an absolute grand slam to get viewers on their new TNT show in October is fucking ALARMING to say the least. I honestly can not imagine even the fattest and wokest of smarks on Reddit to shell out 60 bucks to for AEW Full Gear.

Now on to Raw.

• This whole “tag partners collide” storyline, which “Cowboy” Bob is a sucker for, would have been so much more effective if Strowman and Rollins didn’t randomly team up 5 minutes ago.
• Like, imagine a Kofi vs Big E storyline. Now that would be “the dope”, as the kids would say.
• Strowman’s super-smiley gaze at Rollins as he enters is…effeminate, let’s go with that.
• AJ Styles’ promo is more of a truth-telling pipebomb than CM Punk ever had. “Oh, maybe I should walk around and wait for somebody to look at my title because that’s how people get title shots around here.” So true! Self-awareness, I love it!
• Why would I boo AJ Styles and the O.C.?
• I wonder if this is leading to Strowman pulling a triple-header on Sunday. I can see him defending the tag titles with Seth, getting a US title shot vs AJ, and then also facing Seth for the title. His third match of the night protecting him for his loss to Seth. Maybe he even gets the US title.
• Holy shit Betty White is alive. She is older than Trish Stratus.
• Hawkins and Ryder are sent out as sacrificial lambs to show how TOTALLY A TEAM AND NOT AT ALL THROWN TOGETHER BECAUSE THEY HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM that Ziggler and Roode are.
• Incredibly nice of The O.C. to decide to help Cedric Alexander with an injury to give him a protected loss to Baron Corbin later tonight.
• Lacey Evans is back again. I refuse to get off this Lacey Evans train.
• Really enjoying Lacey Evans’ umbrella.
• I also enjoy how Lacey’s ring gear looks like she’s wrestling in old-timey underwear.
• If Lacey loses to shitty Natty, this blog is canceled.
• Natalya says “You nasty bitch!” and I approve. But I still want her to lose.
• Lacey gets bloodied by Nattie, but she wins clean. That’s what you get, Nattie. Leave Lacey alone.
• Can we all hold a candlelight vigil for Sasha Banks and Randy Orton to end our national Becky/Kofi nightmare?
• Sasha: “The only reason you’re the champion is because Nia Jax broke your face.” MORE DEVASTATING TRUTH BOMBS. BECKY CAN NEVER RECOVER.
• “Cowboy” Bob will never not pop for a fake crowd handshake by a heel.
• Here comes Cedric holding his arm to protect his own loss!
• Renee: “I don’t understand why the O.C. would target Cedric Alexander!” You should read the Jobber To The Stars blog, Renee.
• Cedric’s panicked selling of his arm sounds incredibly bitch-like. Just saying.
• Fantastic little match between Cedric and King Corbin.
• Corbin hits the most protected finisher in WWE and wins. “Cowboy” Bob’s prediction looking better and better.
• “Champions Showcase” tonight with Becky and shitty Bayley vs Alexa/Nikki. TWO THROWN TOGETHER SUPERSTARS SHOULD NOT BEAT ESTABLISHED TAG TEAMS.
• Bayley is LOADED UP with makeup tonight. Hey, I don’t find her attractive, but she’s Helen of Troy compared to that thing in AEW wearing a dress.
• Man these two loser jobbers are getting major heel heat by pretending to be from Pittsburgh.
• “One of them looks like an extra from Trainspotting” says Corey in a hilarious line that will only crack up anyone over 35. (I popped)
• This match seems to signify what good ol’ “Cowboy” has been telling you for weeks. There is no reason whatsoever to boo the Viking Raiders. None. WWE realizes this. Possibly because Triple H reads my blog.
• “Ricochet is pretty great on the mic.” — Bayley, probably
• Renee says, out of Ricochet and Samoa Joe, that she thinks “any one of these guys can beat Baron Corbin”, meaning that “Cowboy” Bob’s King Corbin prediction is nearly a lock.
• Double pin which shocks me because I thought Samoa Joe was losing clean as can be like usual.
• The referee is checking the instant replay for the first time in wrestling history.
• Oh SNAP. Bray Wyatt is challenging the winner of Rollins/Strowman to a match at Hell in a Cell.
• Rambling Rabbit with the “HELP” sign is just delightful.
• Also, Bray’s totally anguished goodbye to the segment is the best wrestling-related acting since Hulk Hogan in Thunder In Paradise.
• Why is that referee so happy to be shitty to Baron over the triple threat match next week?
• “Heartbreak” Biz says that fat kid Dominick is Rey Mysterio’s real son and I can’t tell if he is working me or not.
• Also, his dog Bailey tried to bite me 4 times during AEW All Out, and I suspect he trained the dog to hate “Cowboy” Bob because I proved him wrong on Shane-O-Mac.
• Holy jobber entrance for shitty face Miz.
• Cesaro’s entrance/music is exactly as bad-ass as it should be. Amazing how it takes them 5 or 6 years sometimes to put somebody where they need to be.
• Miz beats Cesaro clean and defeats the entire purpose of Cesaro’s “bad-ass” persona, which now gets quotes around it. I don’t get the babyface Miz thing and I have no idea why they have to dig their heels in on it.
• Alexa and Nikki have fully grown on me. Nikki’s theme song has grown on me as well.
• PSSSST – the performer with the highest “Cowboy” Bob score in this match is Alexa Bliss, at 24 CB (10 look, 10 promo, 4 in-ring).
• For those wondering (probably everyone), Bayley is still at 12 CB (2 look, 1 promo, 9 in-ring), Becky is at 18 CB (4 look, 7 promo, 7 inj-ring) and Nikki is at 14 CB (4 look, 4 promo, 6 in-ring).
• Sasha is a solid 23 CB (7 look, 6 promo, 10 in-ring).
• Remember, you need 23 to be a viable champion.
• Stupid Bayley ruins the chair beatdown.
• HOLY FUCK. BAYLEY UNLOADS ON BECKY IN A HEEL TURN. TO MASSIVE FUCKING YES CHANTS. THIS IS THE GREATEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN IN PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING HISTORY. I’M SERIOUSLY HYPED. OH MY GOD.