WWE Smackdown Live “Cowboy” Round-up: June 25th, 2019

  • In a weird way, it’s kind of a testament to New Day that they’ve gone all the way from “UGH these jobbers” to “Hey, these guys are pretty good!” to “Wow, New Day are the hottest heels in WWE!” to “Is New Day the greatest tag team of all-time?” to “Wow, New Day literally was given the longest reign in WWE history. They are truly the best.” to “Okay, this is getting a little stale” to “UGH it’s fucking NEW DAY.” It’s come full circle. Pretty impressive really.
  • Time for our now annual “Let’s pretend Kofi is a legitimate champion” segment where the people cheer him because they feel bad and he reminds us of all the jobbers he’s beaten BECAUSE HE’S SO FUCKING LEGITIMATE OMG.
  • Once Adam Cole hits the main roster, you will never hear “bay-BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE” again. Until then, we are stuck.
  • I’m sorry, say what you will about Triple H and Stephanie, but there are zero “Authority” 20 minute opening promos that were as fucking God-awful as Kofi 20 minute opening promos. Like, not even close.
  • “Hey man. I won the WWE title at Wrestlemania. Life is crazy man wow.” — every Kofi promo
  • Dolph Ziggler: “I have been informed by WWE management, Kofi, that if I beat you tonight I will be added to your match with Samoa Joe at Extreme Rules to eat the pin.”
  • Miz is such a bad-ass direct-to-DVD actor babyface. Total tough guy.
  • I’m glad that Kofi is built like Super Cena courtesy 2009 and Daniel Bryan is eating pins from Xavier Woods.
  • Heavy Machinery are BLUE COLLAR. What do they do exactly? Are they construction workers? Truck drivers? They sure don’t work behind a desk!
  • Nothing makes “Cowboy” Bob grab his holster for the remote like “8 Man Tag Action”.
  • I defend Vince more than anyone, but this constant influx of 2 out of 3 falls matches because he doesn’t want wrestling during commercials? It’s awkward and forced.
  • That being said, on the other hand, I get what he means! Imagine you watched the Raptors vs Warriors a few weeks ago and they just ran commercials while they played 2 minutes of the 3rd quarter.
  • In addition to that, cutting away from the match sort of sends the message of “Hey, we just don’t care about what happens till the end of this, so why should you?”
  • Ah shit, I do agree with Vince again, don’t I?
  • Yet on my 3rd alien hand, I think the real solution is just timers on matches. “This match is for 1 fall and has a 15 minute time limit.” There is nothing that takes you out of immersion into the show like “Well, this match has to wrap up because we are close to 10:00 now.”
  • So what is Ali doing here, The Hurricane gimmick but trying to play it straight? Could be embarrassing. Maybe he should just be Sub-Zero. It worked for Glacier.
  • Okay fine, maybe it didn’t work for Glacier.
  • Crowd chanting “NO MORE SHANE”. I guess that HEEL Shane McMahon is doing a terrible job. God I just hate that HEEL Shane, I want him to lose so badly!
  • Here’s SMILIN’ FINN.
  • He’s the Intercontinental Champion by the way. You know, that belt held by Mr. Perfect, Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels. Someone has that belt, actually.
  • “What’s next for Finn Balor?” The number one contender who just walked into the television frame while the champion was talking. That’s how UFC decides number one contenders too.
  • Bayley’s acting here would make Tommy Wiseau swoon.
  • This match is actually surprisingly disjointed, considering both Bayley and Cross are good in the ring.
  • As a huge Alexa Bliss fan, even I didn’t want to see this crap again. For some reason, Bayley and Bliss don’t mesh. Bliss needs to be carried by a Charlotte or a Sasha.
  • R-Truth weirdly and cruelly ruining Drake Maverick’s life is kind of hilarious.
  • Okay hear me out. If Drake Maverick ended up killing himself over this (not unlike referee Tim White in those bizarre skits from the 2000’s) and R-Truth heard the news and said “My bad. This one’s on me.” Would that not be hysterical in a black comedy kinda way?
  • Ember Moon vs Sonya Deville. Please end in a draw, I can’t handle one of my favorites suffering a loss.
  • In this 2 out of 3 falls match, here’s where I’d like to see the type of logic they never do, where Samoa Joe HELPS KOFI WIN because he wants Kofi all to himself at Extreme Rules. They never have a heel help a face, or a face help a heel, for their own greater good.
  • Hope you have better stand-up material, Dolph.

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