After a Raw last night that the internet found to be fairly pedestrian, let’s see if Smackdown makes anybody give a shit. Personally, I think you’re all incredibly spoiled and the wrestling alone last night was light years ahead of June Raws.
- Oh shit. I already forgot about the stupid fake bald guy with the red beard.
- Name a worse 20 minute promo than a Kofi promo. Bayley? Maybe.
- Randy Orton threatens to abduct a child.
- “Cowboy” Bob is so fucking bored by “I’m facing you at the PPV but let me face your lackeys first on free TV”.
- Cedric Alexander and Ali. Mirror images of each other. Very talented wrestlers with very shitty music.
- Ali beats Buddy Murphy clean, in what has to be a curious decision at best. Why the fuck did you have Buddy Murphy take Roman Reigns to his limit, and then BEAT Daniel Bryan clean?
- Also will there EVER be a payoff to those shitty Ali positivity in the inner city vignettes? He’s still dollar store Subzero.
- YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. It’s the return of the CLASS of the women’s division, the immortal Lacey Evans.
- It’s truly astonishing that someone thought Miz should keep the same attire as a babyface that he wore as a heel.
- Sami Zayn calling Nakamura “Nakamura-san’ for some reason cracked me up.
- I DEMAND A LACEY CLEAN WIN OVER SHITTY BAYLEY.
- The black guy’s reaction at the Lacey fake handshake was phenomenal. Get that guy tickets to Wrestlemania.
- They had Lacey put up a fight, but the purpose of the match was essentially to put over Bayley’s Mongoloid Man Elbow Drop as a finisher. So weird that they let her do that when Kairi Sane’s elbow is 100 times better.
- I literally can’t believe Randy Orton okayed Biggie to do the Goldust ’96 spanking.
- That was a fun Randy vs Big E match, but Randy really shouldn’t be selling that much for him and shouldn’t need interference from the Revival to beat him.
- We are never going to learn why Shelton Benjamin had those crazy eyes, are we? A storyline with the most intrigue in WWE to me.
- Chad Gable keeps the American Alpha theme. That was secretly an incredibly shitty theme as well.
- Gable wins, which ends “Cowboy” Bob’s KOTR record at 6-2 after round 1, only getting Elias and Ali wrong.
- Now time for Roman’s “apology”.
- Imagine he actually came out and said “I gotta tell y’all…I’m sincerely sorry, Uce.” Roman, Bryan and Rowan do a group hug in the ring. Show ends. I’d pop.
- So the video shows that Rowan pushed over the scaffolding on Reigns. I don’t get it. Even if it was Rowan, why wouldn’t he just say “No, that was the weird bald doppelganger”?
- Bryan slaps the shit out of Rowan and says he lied to him. Then he comes out to tell Roman how outraged he is at being lied to.
- Roman spears Bryan and gets a “YES!” chant. What a time to be alive.
The most interesting way to tell this story is if it turns out it actually WASN’T Daniel Bryan’s fault, but some other dude gets a rub and the story takes a more three-dimensional turn. Anyway, that is wrestling for this week. See you for AEW trotting out a teenager in his tarzan underoos. Anyway, no Shane, automatic negative grade.
Jobber To The Stars 
It’s probably my deep, unending hatred of ska and all who listen to it, but I never want to see Sami Zayn again. In any capacity.
Another thing that annoys me is when a wrestler gets his ass kicked on Monday, then pops up on Tuesday like nothing happened. Shouldn’t Miz have been selling his loss to Corbin at least somewhat? I understand WWE has no faith in it’s audience remembering anything about the previous day, and rightfully so. Still, it would add to the overall story of a fake fighting league.
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This is somewhat the bedrock of Vince McMahon’s thinking with WWE. And unfortunately he is somewhat validated. Samoa Joe is supposed to lose 8 matches, clean as a sheet, and then beat Cesaro once and suddenly be presented as a dangerous bad-ass again. Umm, I remember him losing to 150 pound Ricochet last month, I’m not a complete moron.
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Why have Buddy beat Bryan clean only to lose next week to “Make a difference” Ali the next? That’s an odd choice.
I also really dig Buddy. He has Kenny Omega’s moveset, but isn’t Kenny Omega. That’s a good thing.
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I don’t get the “Make a Difference” thing at all. Not at all expanded on. Same outfit. Same shit. I don’t get it.
I think Buddy is a phenomenal wrestler. Needs a character. And really, really didn’t need to take a clean loss this soon. But if he gets some semblance of a character it would work wonders. Is he a heel? I guess? But why?
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Everything about Murphy screams face to me. The problem is that him, Cedric, Ricochet, And Ali, are all kind of the same person. They need to more to differentiate them. I’m not sure how you do that with Ricochet more than any of them. Since he appears to be terrified of public speaking.
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Totally agree. Murphy, Ali and Cedric are all the same. Ricochet too, except more dressed up and polished.
Ali at least tried hard on those weird vigilante vignettes. Ricochet is hot garbage on the mic. Murphy and Alexander never get a chance.
I’d guess (pure speculation!) that Murphy’s accent is too thick and Alexander must be RANCID in practice because I literally have never heard his voice before.
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