WWE Smackdown Live “Cowboy” Round-Up: July 16th, 2019

Following last night’s Raw setting up one of the shittiest Summerslams in recent history, hopefully Smackdown does something interesting.

• I have to admit, I thought this Shane thing would payoff with Roman, not unlike the amazing Backlash 2000. It looks like they are going to focus on getting Kevin Owens over and consider Roman a job well-done.
• Kind of ridiculous that Owens is an asshole who nobody can ever trust under any circumstances, yet now he’s an honest man of the people. He just fucked over New Day 10 minutes ago.
• Too much of recaps and pre-taped shit. Must be death for live crowd.
• It only took them 5 years of earth-shattering boos, but they now know that the best way to use Roman on promos are short, sweet bad-ass messages. Not 20 minute diatribes.
• An appearance from The Queen!
• Charlotte sucking up to Shane is hysterical.
• “Shut up!”
• This woman is head and shoulders above any female performer they have, even including Ronda Rousey.
• Liv Morgan takes the microphone, and proves that the internet is not real life as she barely gets a reaction.
• Kind of adorable seeing Kairi Sane, who probably can’t understand any of these words, doing the “OOOOOH!” pantomime after Liv’s insults to Charlotte.
• Apollo Crews takes the microphone. I remember when he debuted on Raw about 3 years ago. I actually texted my friend and said “This is a future World Champion.” Can’t bat a 1.000, “Cowboy” Bob.
• But you know what “Cowboy” is right about? How Shane McMahon, thanks to his fine heel work, is getting reactions for about 10 wrestlers in this opening segment.
• Kofi complains about Shane and his mic cuts out. “Sorry champ, technical gaffe. The first town hall has concluded.” This is fucking legendary shit.
• “Cesaro, you’re not even on Raw.” Who the fuck even knows anymore.
• Cesaro asks if he can face Aleister Black tonight, to job clean one more time, to REALLY ram home the point. Shane says sure, you can job right after the commercial break.
• I would believe that Hulk Hogan vs Ultimate Warrior at Wrestlemania VI was a shoot fight from start to finish before I believed that even a minute of Miz & Mrs. was authentic.
• This was actually a really nice, hard-hitting exhibition at Extreme Rules.
• On the “Cowboy” Bob Scale, where you need a total of 23 to be a world champion: Aleister Black has a 9 for look, a 6 for promo and an 8 in-ring. He hits 23 barely. But he can be champion. It can happen.
• So The Lion King. Its just like…real animals? I bet it sucks. It feels like if you played in a fantasy football league where you drafted every player in the league and had an NFL-level salary cap. Sometimes too much realism is just no fun.
• For fuck’s sake, let Daniel Bryan save the planet by taking the belt from Kofi Kingston.
• If they give Liv Morgan a fucking roll-up win over the Queen, “Cowboy” Bob is going to start reviewing Chrissley Knows Best.
• Can somebody please explain the Liv Morgan thing to me? I honestly don’t get it. I feel like I see this groundswell of support for her. She’s never impressed me in the ring. Her promo is “meh” at best. She’s a pretty girl but no more attractive than most of the roster. What is the deal? Is it just spin a wheel and next one up gets a “You Deserve It” chant?
• Liv taps to the Figure 8 in about 15 seconds, and all is right with the world.
• Mandy and Sonya. Both awesome in their own way.
• Would much rather Ember was champ than her shitty tag partner Bayley.
• It pains me to see my beloved Mandy lose, but I’ll be damned if that Eclipse isn’t a winner. Legit a top 5 finisher in WWE.
• Why the fuck is Ember Moon allowed to be “The War Goddess”, but the Viking Raiders have to go through 10 shitty names to avoid mentioning “War”.
• YES SHITTY BAYLEY GIVE IT TO EMBER. DO IT BAYLEY.
• Man if Bayley said “Not you, Ember” it would be ultimate heel heat.
• Great idea. Do face vs face. Put Ember over too. I’m a sucker for a good ol’ face vs face matchup.
• Oh no! IIconics vs Kabuki Warriors later. Fake sick, Billie Kay! Get out of it!
• “Hey, you know that Japanese guy with the unbelievable physical charisma?” “Yeah, Nakamura.” “Yeah, yeah, him. Amazing charisma, but he is really awful at talking. It’s not his fault. He’s Japanese. Kinda slurs his words. Tough to understand.” “Okay.” “Let’s have him cut many verbal promos.” — WWE conversation backstage, probably.
• New Day comes out, as a tornado warning come across the East coast from everyone’s yawning.
• Especially as Kofi has to refer to race as I roll my fucking eyes.
• Seriously, let’s all forget that African-American all-time talent The Rock was the biggest superstar in the history of WWE because it’s convenient, right?
• Thank the Lord Daniel Bryan is back. Just challenge Kofi and let’s all pretend this God-awful Kofi reign didn’t happen in a few years.
• Oh no! Everybody shake in fear, the guy who has won 1 match in 6 months is here. Samoa Joe, the DANGEROUS heel!
• Samoa Joe calling Big E and Xavier the “backup dancers” is funny. But again, this character is destroyed.
• You know what’s funny? We rarely ever hear it, but Elias’ theme music is actually pretty great.
• The best gimmick for Randy Orton would be a “Cowboy” Bob storyline I came up with a few years ago: “The Prospect Killer”. Remember when Randy was “The Legend Killer” as a young man? Now he’s “The Prospect Killer”. He seeks out up and coming young talent and destroys them. He could even do a few NXT takeovers. Of course, the storyline eventually pays off when whatever young star you want to elevate beats Randy clean. I’m telling you, this would be money.
• “6 man tag? Nah, I’m good.” RANDY ORTON FUCKING BABYFACE OF THE YEAR.
• Of course, shitty Kofi goads him into it.
• Run, IIconics! Run!!!
• Kabuki Warriors don’t get an entrance. Great sign!
• Remember kids, Asuka already played her role. And played it well. Don’t feel bad for them.
• Yeah! Count-Out! IIconics win. Now let’s end this feud.
• Apollo beating Andrade is very sad, but Zelina’s reaction was almost worth it.
• Recap of the Bray thing. I was kinda hoping “Mr. Rogers Sweater” Bray would’ve shown up on Smackdown and do a play on “Corporate Kane vs Real Kane” from 2015.
• I’m glad a spooky mystical evil crazy man has enough sense to play to the hard-cam!
• Dolph Ziggler is jealous of Samoa Joe’s win-loss record.
• Owens stuns Shane and run away. Just like Stone Cold Steve Austin would.

Buckle up, it’s going to be a bumpy fucking ride to a Summerslam full of matchups nobody asked for.