WWE Monday Night Raw: July 29th, 2019 “Cowboy” Round-Up

Can the build to the least exciting Summerslam in history be saved? Will anyone, including all of those cats, possibly give a shit about Natalya getting another title shot? We find out – NEXT!

• End of Modern Family going on. Sometimes random clips I see are funny, but you know what always rubbed me the wrong way about this show? It’s presented as “documentary” style, but you never know why, or meet a camera crew or whatever. You’re just supposed to accept that the show is a documentary and not ask questions. Who let these filmmakers into their house? For what purpose? Do they live there? Dumb premise. Also, nothing annoys “Cowboy” Bob on a TV show or a movie more than smug kids who act smarter than they really are.
• Starts off with a “mosh pit match” where wacky 24/7 antics are promised to take place after Drake Maverick/His Hot Wife vs R-Truth/Carmella. Sounds like Vince Russo would be proud of this booking to start the show.
• I feel like Drake Maverick’s gimmick should be “World’s Tallest Midget”.
• Also, “Cowboy” Bob doesn’t like how they always do “The 24/7 Rules Are Suspended Until The Match Is Over”. It’s either 24/7 or not, mofos. I want matches during matches. I want CHAOS.
• The inevitable conclusion to this 24/7 title shit is that Braun Strowman will eventually win it. Then it becomes just like Pac-Man. The hunted is now the hunter! Wacky SHENANIGANS as crowds of superstars run the OTHER way from ONE guy. You know it’s coming, admit it.
• Maria Kanellis says she will kick her husband in his vagina. Such a wonderful, hatable heel that even good ol’ “Cowboy” is being worked, but this is lessening the impact for my dream moment when Roman Reigns calls somebody a pussy eventually.
• TONIGHT – gouge your eyes out because Becky Lynch faces Alexa Bliss in what will be garbage, Dolph Ziggler will job to Seth Rollins like this is a WWF Superstars episode from 1992 and Roman Reigns and Samoa Joe will have a “Samoan Summit”, whatever the fuck that is, so that Joe can act all tough and then job clean YET A-FUCKIN’-GAIN to finally kill off his character forever and retire.
• Seriously, Roman JUST BEAT HIM LAST WEEK. Who the fuck cares?
• If you read this blog at all, you’ll know that I am definitely not that “Hurr durr isn’t WWE terrible?!?!” guy. I defend Shane McMahon, for Christ’s sake. But this is a horrible set-up for a show, immediately giving me 3 major segments I really do not want to see.
• Something that sounded laughable a year ago – Roman Reigns should be inserted into the main event along with Seth Rollins and Brock Lesnar. Seth has BADLY cooled off. Roman is legitimately a bigger babyface now. WWE could actually do this without any fan backlash. I can’t believe they are scared – NOW! – to pull the trigger on this.
• A 5-man gauntlet match for AJ Styles’ opponent at Summerslam. Rey Mysterio vs Andrade vs Ricochet vs Cesaro vs Sami Zayn. The obvious miles-long favorite is Ricochet, but I’d love to see Andrade pull off the upset.
• Rey Mysterio, with that dumbass pink mohawk and “I’m working on my car parked on my front lawn changing my oil at 1:00pm” wife beater tanktop looks so stupid.
• Commercial during a match?! Why I never!
• They are damned if they do and damned if they don’t here. They take a commercial break, it means “This match doesn’t matter”. They have pinfalls before each commercial, it’s just way too convenient that they all went that short.
• That springboard into an uppercut should’ve gotten the pin. Rey Mysterio is slightly bigger than Nikki Cross.
• After beating Cesaro, I’m supposed to be stunned that Mysterio then pinned a jobber in 30 seconds who hasn’t won a match since Occupy Wall Street was sweeping the nation.
• So, Rey Mysterio is not related to Eddie Guerrero at all, right? That storyline in 2006 about winning the Royal Rumble for Eddie was pretty fucking tasteless in hindsight when you really think about it, huh?
• Andrade says “C’mon Rey!” — in English!
• Ricochet’s version of his music that plays for sudden run-in’s really sucks. It’s not like an adrenaline pumping style theme like that.
• I have absolutely no interest in The Boys or anything superhero related for the rest of my life.
• Zelina is the best manager in the business.
• Ricochet wins. Fine. Whatever. Will be a good match at Summerslam with AJ. But Andrade deserves better.
• “You know that guy, Ricochet?” “Yeah, yeah, the excellent high-flyer who is awful at talking.” “That’s right, him, the atrocious talker.” “What about him?” “We should have him give a great big talky speech after his match tonight.” — WWE Creative, backstage
• Heel AJ laughing out loud at Ricochet’s stupid faux-inspirational shit is very funny.
• So, this Maria Kanellis thing. Again, I admire her as super hatable. I can’t stand to see her on my screen. She’s doing a remarkable job. But where is this going? How can a pregnant woman get her comeuppance?
• Titus O’Neil desperately needs pants.
• I just asked my friend Heartbreak Biz from our Protected Finish podcast how close I’d get if I tried Ricochet’s 630 degree finisher. “Probably 12 degrees”, he said.
• Becky kicks a white haired 60 year old man in the knee to give Nattie an armbar.
• These two sexy munchkins look hilarious in these gigantic chairs.
• The problem with Becky’s character is that she comes off as incredibly smug. If she was heel, that would be great, but she’s a babyface. She’s incredibly unlikable.
• “Cowboy” Bob misses Ronda Rousey.
• The Usos may have fallen into that WWE babyface quicksand trap of death, but man, remember how fucking awful they were as the “Play Hard In The Paint” Usos?
• The O.C. win the tag titles. Bummer for “Cowboy”, who thinks The Revival are head and shoulders above every team on Raw.
• The Viking Raiders. Look menacing. Bad-ass theme song. Beat the shit out of people. Why would I boo them?
• I would legit watch a 60 minute long Chronicle on WWE Network about who the fuck came up with “The Viking Experience” and thought it was a smart idea.
• “Let me tell you Renee, between Becky and Nattie, things have gotten personal VERY quickly.” — Michael Cole. They could’ve shown Becky take a shit on Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart’s grave and I would still be making nachos during that match in 2 weeks.
• Alexa’s fake crying selling of the ankle is hilarious.
• No, but seriously, is Nikki Cross’ character mentally challenged?
• Alexa blatantly gives up the fake ankle injury to attack Becky after the match, and in the funniest line maybe of all of 2019, Corey yells in all sincerity “IT’S A LAZARUS-LIKE MIRACLE!”
• You know what’s interesting about Nattie? She’s an attractive woman. Firmly a 7 (put next to the gorgeous women of WWE, of course.) You’d think “Man, a 7 at the age of 34. She must have been fucking SMOKING at 25.” She really wasn’t. She basically has looked exactly the same for like 20 years. Not a bad thing. Just very consistent.

• See?
• You know what would be fucking hilarious? If Baron Corbin gave pregnant Maria Kanellis an End of Days to win the 24/7 title. I mean, obviously you replace Maria with a red-haired mannequin or some shit. But man would that be gold. I’m only half-kidding.
• That “Burn It Down” gets milder and milder every week. And I love Seth. But it’s true. I’m a journalist, I have to report the news.
• Ziggler coming out to Shawn’s theme would be much more effective if he didn’t lose more often than B.J. Penn.
• Gorgeous DDT on the apron. Can’t believe they wasted that spot on this match.
• Oh shit! This by-the-numbers jobfest interrupted by Brock Lesnar. And he’s actually here!
• For a moment, I thought maybe they let poor Ziggler get a cheap roll-up pin.
• BROCK LESNAR IS THE BEST PERFORMER WWE HAS.
• This is fantastic. Not only is it a quintessential Brock beating, but it gives off that “anything can happen” vibe that Raw SORELY lacks.
• F-5 against the steel post is always a winner.
• F-5 on the stood-up chair! I love it!
• Just think, Roman is just chilling backstage letting his friend get the shit beaten out of him. How heelish.
• Some good ol’ blood capsule internal bleeding action!
• Paul Heyman begging Brock to stop is such an unbelievably great touch. That’s one of the best story flourishes I’ve seen in quite a while.
• Remember, Brock is the guy all of the internet geeks thought was “boring”.
• Brock attacking Seth and dragging him out of the stretcher from the ambulance. Then F-5ing him on the fucking stretcher. I’m so happy.
• Remember when Brock did this to Shane Carwin in UFC?
• My only regret is that I wish it led to Roman being inserted into the triple threat.
• Great tough talk, fattie. Now let’s just hope this Summerslam match is 2 Superman punches, a spear and thanks for jobbing.
• Wasn’t the whole point of the McIntyre/Ziggler thing that McIntyre was nobody’s lackey? And since then he’s been everybody’s lackey?
• Now here comes Cedric Alexander to set up next week’s main event that I already wish I could fast-forward.
• It’s time to pull the trigger. Put Roman Reigns in the Summerslam main event. Make it a triple threat with Seth and Brock.
• It may have taken 4 years and about 50 men sacrificed, but Roman Reigns is finally the top babyface in WWE.
• And yes, you can thank Shane.

Painfully bad Raw until the final half hour. I love Brock Lesnar as much as I can’t give a flying fuck about Nattie. Which is very much.