WWE Monday Night Raw: July 22nd, 2019 “Cowboy” Round-Up

Tonight is the “Raw Reunion”, which is an obvious and desperate attempt to get ratings by bringing back characters more compelling than Kofi’s 20 minute weekly lecture telling us “I won the belt at Wrestlemania and damn life is crazy, man, wow.”

Also, speaking of classic Raw, a few days ago I wrote of the defining WWE segment of the past 20 years, Triple H interrupting the Stephanie and Test wedding.

Now if there’s one thing good ol’ “Cowboy” Bob loves, it’s a nostalgia trip. So here’s hoping for a heaping helping of Hulkamania.

• I miss Raw opening credits and music. I’m a purist.
• And we open with a bang, as John Cena is here. The crowd, after seeing Kofi championship promos the past 4 months, shows their appreciation like a cockerspaniel who was just handed a delicious filet mignon.
• Here’s hoping he doesn’t take his hat off and reveal that haircut that makes him look 68 years old.
• Legit “Cena” chants. We never appreciated this dude like we should.
• Ugh now he’s rattling off who will be here, which ruins the surprise. Even though I don’t think anyone should be stunned that Ric Flair was somehow available.
• What if the ratings still don’t move after this?
• Usos come out saying “whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-WHOA” because they did it once and it was funny, so now we’ll see it every week until we all collectively vomit.
• Usos tease “dropping rhymes” with John Cena, and Cena actually acts like he’s walking out. Imagine he did? That would be hilarious.
• Cena has officially crossed over from “Full-time professional wrestler” to “hammy part-timer who hams it up”. At least he knows his role now.
• Big Rikishi mark. But I prefer the original Too Cool theme.

• So what jobber is getting a stinkface? My money is on Elias.
• Remember when Rikishi made the Hall of Fame and didn’t thank Scotty 2 Hotty & Grandmaster Sexay? Despite the fact that he would’ve been Random Fattie #932 and out of the company within 6 months without them?
• Oh man, Revival are both getting stinkfaces, aren’t they?
• Devon without Bubba is like Bayley without a shitty promo.
• Love Booker T.
• Oh wow, so that’s it for Cena? I hate 6-man tags as much as the next “Cowboy”, but I was sure we were getting Cena and Usos vs Revival and D-Von. And it’s just a regular tag between Usos and Revival. Except Usos have dancing fattie in their corner and Revival have D-Von for reasons.
• I mean, I love the Dudleys as much as anyone, but having D-Von already backstage and telling him to put on the Dudley Boyz shirt and head out there just comes off kinda lazy, no?
• You know what would get the single most epic pop tonight?
• Ready?
• Quiet arena…
• “HELLOOOOO LADIES…” and Val Venis and his fucking towel. I’m telling you. It would. Bigger than Hogan.
• Fun fact: “Cowboy” Bob has always had a soft spot for Foxy. She’s got personality, sue me.
• Astonishingly, Torrie Wilson looks better in her 40’s than her 20’s.
• Santino!
• A Santina reference!
• Not enough of a pop for the cobra.
• Drew mocks the idea of Santino as a legend, thus making him an ultimate heel.
• If you ever wanted to feel what waterboarding is actually like, turn on Miz & Mrs. for at least 5 full minutes.
• Okay, so no stinkface. But there has to be a segment where like 3 or 4 legends win the 24/7 title, right?
• Reminder: The Hurricane has a pinfall over The Rock.
• Drake Maverick’s wife is super hot.
• Love that Carmella defends R-Truth.
• Charly Caruso loves The Godfather. It’s only 8:30, can I get some Papa Shango action too?
• In woke 2019, we aren’t allowed hoes. This is the nightmare hellscape that the internet have brought upon us.
• Love that McIntyre angrily runs at Cedric before the bell. Really gets over the personal nature of the match.
• Yo, I ain’t gonna front, fam. That inverted Alabama Slam on the apron was dank af.
• Big pop for new 24/7 champion Pat Patterson. I could live with a 2 month long Pat Patterson title reign.
• Christian and his fantastic theme music are here.
• Nobody remembers how amazing Edge and Christian were. Not just as a team, but the very gimmick of the “we’re so cool and totally reek of awesomeness” thing was so out of nowhere. These two were known as pretty boys who can’t talk. Turns out they just weren’t allowed to, and were both two of the best mic guys WWE had in the whole Attitude Era.
• Big pop for Lilian Garcia.
• This show feels like the final episode of WWE.
• Zack Ryder and Curt Hawkins get an entrance in what has to be the biggest WWE upset since Brock beat the Undertaker’s Mania streak.
• Can’t 90% of the roster be introduced as “former tag team champions”?
• Huge pop for Bischoff! Man, Bischoff looks old.
• With Heyman alluding that he’s in power on Raw last week, and Bischoff alluding he’s in power on Smackdown this week…I wonder if they will play that up?
• Maria is so annoying that even I’m being worked. Great heel.
• Jimmy Hart has low-key aged incredibly well.
• “Dangerous, nasty, menacing, jobs twice a week and once on Sunday, Samoa Joe makes his way to the ring, NEXT!”
• The OC had better watch out that team 90210 doesn’t show up.
• The corpse of Gerald Brisco wins the 24/7 title.
• Kelly Kelly wins the 24/7 title to a pop. And gets her quietly very catchy theme music played.
• Now how do you get the belt off Kelly Kelly without the woke mob complaining of a man pinning down an incredibly hot woman? Booking conundrum.
• Again, I like Joe. Great personality. Terrific worker. But you can only have a character like this job so many times before you’ve ruined him as a threat forever.
• By the way, the Viking Space Mountains or whatever, and Samoa Joe, are in a similar spot: both are personalities the crowds love and want to cheer for but the company has to force round pegs into square holes and force heel heat that is not there.
• Dear Lord Jesus. I know I don’t make it to church. But I still believe in you and love you. Please, spare us Roman Reigns vs Samoa Joe at Summerslam.
• This is the modern day Hulk Hogan vs Earthquake in 1991. Just a fat guy ready to job.
• Imagine instead that Roman said “I apologize folks, not all Samoans are pussies.” Roof would’ve fucking blown off the place.
• Samoa Job takes the spear and goes down quickly. Now move along.
• Thank you, Jesus.
• When good ol’ “Cowboy” Bob came back to WWE in 2015 after a 13 year layoff, The Miz was his favorite superstar. A phenomenal heel that put his all into getting booed and getting legitimate heat. Now, Miz could head to AEW and I wouldn’t give a shit. Some guys are really only good on one side of the heel/face dynamic and shouldn’t ever do anything else.
• I love Seth Rollins. You love Seth Rollins. That nazi from 4 years ago that he was banging loves Seth Rollins. But nobody wants to see Seth vs Brock again.
• You know what I love when I pay $50-200 to attend a live television show? VIDEO RECAP PACKAGES.
• Seth Rollins vs AJ Styles is fine, but I’d rather Seth Rollins vs Irwin R. Shyster.
• Why is Torrie Wilson dancing to no music?
• Sami Zayn: “This show is like watching The Attitude Era through the Face App.” Line of the year.
• Candace wins the 24/7 title and gets absolutely no pop.
• Some old lady chokes her out and nobody knows who the fuck it is.
• Michelle McCool?
• Wait was that Alundra Blayze?
• Here comes Coachman. I miss Coachman being on commentary for how he moronically was destroying kayfabe. I remember Nia Jax had Ronda Rousey in a bearhug, and Coachman goes “This is a great opportunity for Ronda to rest!”
• Also I am pretty sure once Coachman said during a Finn Balor match “Why wouldnt he just be the Demon all the time?”
• I feel like this could’ve gotten him over. The outsider view that questions the absurdity of wrestling.
• Ha. Sounds almost like Corey actually legitimately insulted Coachman about Renee stealing his job.
• Oh shit! In the middle of this Sami Zayn vs Rey Mysterio snoozefest, it’s Rob Van Dam’s dad!
• No wait, that’s Rob Van Dam!
• Sgt Slaughter and Hurricane are here too, for reasons.
• I feel like Sgt. Slaughter never quite got his babyface cred back after defecting to Iraq. Like I don’t remember any storyline as a kid where he proclaimed his love for America again.
• It’s kind of incredible that Hurricane is looked at as a legend. I mean, is this a rib?
• I love the man and always will, but Ric Flair currently looks like the corpse of Alec Baldwin in Beetlejuice during the seance.
• Street Profits are going to be big. On a show with 500 legends, to even get a segment shows a ton of faith in them.
• Alundra is about to throw the 24/7 belt in the trash and then THE G.O.A.T. is here. The Million Dollar Man. Who offers to buy it.
• That laugh is still pure gold after 30 years.
• Clever way to avoid woke patrol and not pinning a woman.
• I could live with a 7 month long Million Dollar Man 24/7 title reign.
• Man they are really all-in for this “The OC” shit huh?
• The “Official, Only Club” that matters. Shots fired at Cody, Kenny, Young Bucks and the little teenage boy in his Tarzan undies over at AEW.
• I’m sorry, but when a babyface like Rollins turns away from his opponent to look at the guys outside and then gets hit by AJ, it doesn’t make me feel sympathy towards the babyface, it makes me think he comes off as a complete moron.
• Degeneration X is here. AKA “Hey Trips and HBK go put on shirts from the WWE Shop.”
• I’ll allow it, because I love Shawn.
• The OC is not quite as lame as the Viking Experience, but it’s probably slighter cooler than “The Zack Attack”.
• Okay look. “Cowboy” Bob is a very simple man. When “Cowboy” hears “OH YOU DIDN’T KNOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW”, he pops.
• Nice little nod to “Chyna’s spirit” by the d-o-double-g.
• Road Dogg better on the mic than most of the current roster. Yikes.
• The OC better “get to steppin” before 8 white-haired guys in their mid-50’s get angry.
• By the way, Triple H suddenly loves Seth for reasons.
• Mick Foley legitimately looks homeless.
• Yeah Ted! Get in the limo and get out of dodge!
• Oh no, Ted got pinned in the limo.
• Mick becomes the first ever legend to get the “already in the ring” jobber entrance. And it’s fitting. Sorry, but it’s true.
• Oh shit!
• Is Bray about to attack Foley??
• Michael Cole is insufferable here. But I guess I’m just happy he isn’t screaming IT’S FIEND TIME!!!
• Bray going after Foley with a mandible claw. Maybe because Foley can’t take an actual wrestling move without dying. But still, this is effective.
• Again, WWE, please, please don’t fuck up Bray.
• Ironically nearly right after my own power goes out in the “Cowboy” Bob apartment. I knew it wasn’t Bray, but “Cowboy” doesn’t do well without electricity.
• TV powers back on to a brawl during A Moment of Bliss. Becky and Natalya brawl that 7 people in Toronto give a shit about, and 3 are probably named “Hart”.
• Corey Graves says the jobber looks like he should be in Good Charlotte. As a lifelong GC fan, that is hilarious and accurate.
• Ric Flair sort of dancing to Hogan’s music is actually hilarious.
• I hope that “Whatcha gonna do when the Raw Reunion will run wild on YOU, brother” and point at Ric Flair isn’t setting up the main event of Crown Jewel 2.
• Amazing how beloved Austin still is.
• Those yelling WHAT should all be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
• God the Hurricane looks so fucking out of place in that ring.

It was fun enough. Tough to go back to fucking Kofi tomorrow now.